I’m tired of Deke being the one who always talks about the juicy stuff that goes down when the lights are low and the door is closed and the kids are in bed for the night. Or when the sun is high in the sky and they’re napping or at daycare and you’re playing hooky from work. I’m feeling like I wanna be a little randy today. So, let’s talk about today’s topic: Married sex rules.
Married sex does rule, by the way, but what I really mean by that title is that I wanna lay out some rules of conduct. Like a marital sex bill of rights maybe. Christian couple don’t have to just have missionary style sex and do it only to make babies. Lord knows Deke has told you all about that often enough. But I think some basic rule of conduct on the field can keep us men and women from getting too snarky with each other as the years of marriage grind on.
I’ve done some extensive research on this to make sure I get both the man’s side and woman’s side just right. In other words, I talked to a few of my girlfriends and asked my husband a few questions too. Can’t get more scientific than that, huh? So my results and advice should be accurate plus or minus 50 percentage points. But even if all of this is a little tongue in cheek, I really do believe in the rules below. Hopefully the hubby does too and if not, well, I still have a couple decades or so left to get him properly trained.
Rules for Men
As your loving husband who doesn’t want to have to hire a lawyer one day to determine who will get to have the ugly abstract painting in the living room and all of the good silverware, I pledge to you, my wife…
- Not only will I keep my member in my pants at all times when not engaging in sex with you or engaging in bathroom related duties or getting a physical from a doctor but I also will not get more emotionally involved with some other chick than I do with you and I won’t let my lips or any other special but technically non-sexual parts get involved with any female friends’ similar parts. No matter how drunk I get at the company party.
- I will not keep or seek out any truly deviant pornography or let “normal” pornography distract me from making you hot and/or emotionally fulfilled (see Porn Again post here for guidance on what porn behavior to avoid). Whatever porn I do have I will keep in a discreet and safe part of my computer or hidden deep in a closet somewhere so that it’s not up in your face making you wonder if you measure up to my fantasies. But if you express an interest in seeing what porn I like, I will let you view it immediately and without question.
- I will make it a point to frequently give you pleasure without expecting any goodies in return. Not only do I realize this will build me a lot of goodwill, but I recognize that I’m probably whacking off way more than you ever do and the least I can do is give you an “oral dissertation” at least once a week without being asked. As a corrolary to this, I will make sure to engage in foreplay before sex, realizing that this doesn’t just mean giving you a sloppy kiss and pinching one of your nipples.
- I will cuddle you after sex. Always. I will also cuddle you often when no sex has occured because I understand that you have feelings and often think I’m a barbarian who only knows how to fart and belch.
Rules for Women
As your devoted wife who doesn’t want to start from scratch with some other guy someday and doesn’t just want to see you on weekends as you pick up or drop off the kids, I pledge to you, my husband…
- I won’t share every single intimate detail of our sex lives with my girlfriends and compare notes with them about whether you’re being all that you could be romantically and/or sexually. I reserve the right to talk to my mom about sexual stuff if we’re in a funk though, but I will refrain from giving her too many details.
- I will not get bent out of shape if you have pornography as long as it’s not getting in the way and I will do my best to actually work it into our sex life if you want and if it doesn’t weird me out too much. Just make sure the kids don’t ever find it. I will remember that you married me because you love and desire me and not assume that you want me to be what you see on the pages or in the videos.
- Even if I’m not in the mood for the full monty in bed, I will make sure that I spend 10 minutes or so to meet your needs without taking my clothes off when you’re really horny. I know you men are horndogs and need it more than we generally do and giving you a little something special when I can’t give you exactly what you want will help keep you happy while probably also ensuring that you’ll bathe the kids and take out the trash with a smile on your face for several days.
- I will remember that you are, as a guy, a very visual creature and so I won’t complain that you sometimes want me to dress a certain way or put on makeup for an event that’s only going to result in me being naked and the makeup getting smudged off anyway. I do however, reserve the right to veto attempts at photography or videography. It’s too easy these days for that crap to end up on YouTube or something even if you don’t want it there.
There, four simple rules for each spouse and we can avoid nastiness. Well most of the time anyway. I’m sure I’ve missed some sexual thing or two that each or both spouses should keep in mind, but that’s why there’s a comment section for blog posts.
(I’m only making that face in the photo above because I just used some Herbal Essense shampoo. Really. Oh, yeah, that isn’t even me. But I am making that face right now. Maybe.)