• UPDATE: Feb. 12, 2009…Look, somehow I got way up high in the Google image searches for Salma Hayek. I know a lot of you coming here because of that may be disappointed to find I don’t talk about her much (though I think breastfeeding a starving kid in Africa ups her cool quotient even higher than it already was). But really, stick around. I can be an entertaining guy, and I talk about all sorts of shit here, from religion to sex to politics…and I’m even writing a sci-fi novel online here a few scenes at a time every few days. And hey, how many foul-mouthed, progressively minded deacons do you hang out with on the daily….now, for the original post…continue on below…)

Well, the headline is a bit misleading, as this isn’t exactly some new celebrity crush of mine, but merely someone who didn’t quite make the “top ten” in my list of women I’d break the 7th commandment with.

However, I am forced to remove one of the women from that list for the gross sin of giving a child a stupid-ass name. As Hummus Idol noted recently in his Thanksgiving edition special post, Gwen Stefani and her husband, whatever-the-hell-his-first-name-is Rossdale, named their second child Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale.

While their naming of the first child was unique (Kingston James McGregor Rossdale), it retained some dignity; this second time around, however, is just plain stupid. Zuma Nesta sounds like some bad new soft drink, and the addition of “Rock” is just plain wrong. Only person who should ever have “Rock” in their name is the late, great Rock Hudson. Hell, even Dwayne Johnson finally stopped using “The Rock” as his name after he’d been out of wrestling a while and into the acting scene. (Not that professional wrestling and acting are really any different, of course.)

It’s not that I ever thought Gwen Stefani was some genius. But she seemed talented, seemed like a decent sort, and I asssumed she had some basic level of common sense. You can give your child one effed-up name as long as you give them at least one, and preferably two, middle names that they can choose from later than are relatively normal. This name borders on child cruelty, and marks a continuing level of idiocy among celebrities who think it’s cute to be playful with something a child has to carry until he or she is old enough to legally change it.

You’re out of here, Gwen, and your replacement is:

Salma Hayek

I’ve always had a soft-spot for this Mexican beauty, from silly roles in movies like From Dusk Till Dawn to more serious ones like Freda. And frankly, there are enough white women in my list already, so the addition of a fully latina woman is probably for the best anyway.

Salma has curves in all the right places instead of going for the stick-thin look, and she just oozes confident feminine power. It probably doesn’t hurt, either, that I had a dream two nights ago in which she and I were doing highly improper things while olive oil rained down on us.

So, for her talent, her class, her looks and the fact that Internet searches for images of her have led people to Miz Pink’s post “Kid Unfriendly” more than any other post on this blog (it has more than 2,500 hits and people still keep finding it when looking for Salma), I elevate her from honorable mention status to replace the suddenly nit-witted Gwen Stefani.