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1…2…3…4…I Declare a…

I will never be president of the United States. Partly because I don’t want to, as the hours are too long, the work is way too hard for the pay involved, and I don’t need to age any faster than my 7-year-old daughter is already responsible for. However, mostly I won’t be president because I’d be completely unelectable. I’d be speaking my mind, swearing frequently at public appearances and telling frothing, right-wing pundits and annoyingly smarmy left-wing ones where to put their gonads for maximum hilarity and humiliation.

However, were I to somehow become president, I would make a very simple system for dealing with despotic, totalitarian rulers, knowing that it is very expensive to wage war and very wasteful. Also, nation building rarely works out well.

You, as the totalitarian ruler of your nation, will have one recourse to avoid me sending in drones or long-range missiles to vaporize whatever palace or bunker you hole up in: Engage me in a three-out-of-five thumb war. You will present yourself at the appointed time to the deck of one the United States’ proud aircraft carriers as it floats in international waters, where you and your entourage will be unarmed, while my entourage will be bristling with weapons.

If you defeat me in the thumb war, you can go your merry way back to your nation and the United States won’t personally harass you for the rest of my term in office. If you lose, you will abdicate immediately and head immediately for some country that is willing to harbor you; if you don’t, my people will riddle you with holes right then and there on the deck of the carrier.

I like to keep things simple.

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Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

Jeff Bouley

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Jeff Bouley

To find out more about me professionally, click here. To find out more about me generally, click here.

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You can reach Deacon Blue/Jeff Bouley at deaconbluemail@gmail.com.

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Tales of the Whethermen

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Deac Tweets

  • Between summer kid-related stuff (before she goes back to school soon) and Ferguson, MO, I've been mentally off my game. New fiction soonish 16 hours ago
  • Last Ferguson-related tweet for me tonight (h/t to @acrimoniousmofo who shared it on FB): "Fear of a black man" bit.ly/1nkNmVw 16 hours ago
  • OK, there is ONE kind of criminal that typically commutes: white-collar criminals. But I suspect they also mostly victimize their own race 19 hours ago
  • Willful ignorance at work RT @bangordailynews Wiscasset selectmen approve naming new, private road ‘Redskin’s Drive’ bdn.to/n06e 19 hours ago
  • But it's all part of white folks pointing finger at faults of black people w/o ever examining their similar faults or accepting their role 19 hours ago

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