Splitsville 2, by Miz Pink

mizpink02.jpgSo yesterday I took the easy way out and used my own F-ed up first marriage to highlight a good reason for divorce: mental or physical abuse. Except for the most rabid fundies most people probably agree with me those are some very good reasons.

But I did also admit that Jesus told us we’re supposed to stay together. One husband, one wife. Well, there’s some gray area in here I assure ya.

Even without the abusive personality, my ex had the emotional depth of cheap carpeting and absolutely no drive to provide even a modest living for his young family. Would that have been enough to justify kicking him to curb? Yeah, and here’s why I don’t think God really much woulda cared.

When I married him, it wasn’t for love or noble reasons. I was young and stooopiiid. It was a dumb move to assert myself and get out from under my parent’s roof (and rules). We didn’t get married in a church. We didn’t even do the Vegas chapel deal, which might at least have set a groovy/cheesy tone. We did it at the courthouse.

Are you going to tell me that an impulsive move like that is a marriage sanctioned and desired by God?

I’m always doing stuff that’s against God. So are you. But he doesn’t tell us “Ya made your bed, now lie in it.” My parents did, but God doesn’t do that. If he did, Jesus wouldn’t be there as an option to keep us out of hell. We’d all be doomed as doomed could be, cowboy.

Someone will probably want to toss the Bible in my face and quote what Jesus said so let me beat you to it. I looked it up, I wrote it down. Matthew 19:6 says: So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.

The “they” are married folks by the way.

Before you go pointing fingers at me, try looking at the “What God has joined together” part.

Do you seriously think that every marriage on earth has a stamp of approval by God? You think every time two people say “I do” that God thinks “Wow, this is a good matchup?” I’m greenlighting this one just because they said some vows. I’m 100% in favor. Yessiree!

No license, no vows, no nothing (not even the fact a marriage took place in a church) guarantees a marriage was meant to be. From where I stand, it doesn’t look to me as if God puts too many people together. Certainly not in countries like the U.S. with sky-high divorce rates. Most people put themselves together and they do so without praying for guidance. They just make a decision based on new love or fiery lust or plain convenience or losing a bet or who knows.

That’s manmade, not godmade. Sometimes breaking those unions is not only NOT against God, it’s sometimes necessary.

So maybe you say I’m giving people an easy “out” by saying all this. So that anyone who wants to get a divorce can just say, “Well, God probably didn’t put us together in the first place.” And then walk away with a clean conscience and not a second thought.

No. I’m not. If someone did that to justify a divorce, that’s just plain lazy and ignorant.

Marriage is some hard work. When trouble comes a’knockin that’s the time to work even harder, unless those troubles are of the your-spouse-might-kill-you-in-your-sleep-with-an-icepick variety. I tried to make mine work until it was clear I was the only one trying. When people don’t try to work it out, they have failed, and if they divorce, they indeed might have torn up what God put together.

Stresses in life aren’t enough reason to divorce. Cheating ain’t enough even. Failure to live up to obligations or make enough money isn’t enough. Very few things are enough to call it quits right away and assume it wasn’t a godmade match. Unless you have truly tried to solve those problems and failed, divorce isn’t an option.

But if your husband (or wife) can’t make the emotional and spiritual connection to be with you and do right by you, divorce is your lifeboat. Don’t stay anchored to something that’s already doomed to sink. And for God’s sake, do better the next time and make sure you let God guide you. No one else.

Sometimes, bad marriages and the divorces that come with them are blessings. I have a wonderful son by the first marriage and a darling daughter from the second. I plan to have at least one more. And since I’m with Christ, I picked someone who was too. I’m better off now. I wouldn’t be better off had I kept with the first guy just because of some license.

(No, that still isn’t me in the picture. Keep dreaming.)

2 Responses to “Splitsville 2, by Miz Pink”

  1. September 22, 2008 at 3:34 pm

    so this is a really old post… but divorce, is an issue close to my heart (why don’t you post a picture, btw?)
    I find a lot of your pro-divorce argument comforting, and I confess, I am a sermonophile. I am one of those sick people that enjoys sermons to the tune of about 60 gigabytes. I have not heard it all, but I’ve heard alot. A few things, I’ve noticed, but not heard mention of from the pulpit:

    ex 21;2 If thou buy a Hebrew servant, six years he shall serve: and in the seventh he shall go out free for nothing. 3If he come in by himself, he shall go out by himself: if he be married, then his wife shall go out with him. 4If his master give him a wife and she bear him sons or daughters; the wife and her children shall be her master’s, and he shall go out by himself

    God seems to be okay with a least separation, here. Presumably ( a dangerous word, when interpreting scripture) the woman and children will be taken care of by the master.

    ex 22;16 And if a man entice a virgin that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely pay a dowry for her to be his wife. 17If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins.

    This, I like to refer to as the playa penalty. evidently, God does not have to endorse a marriage for him to consider it valid…. this is VERY inconvenient for me.

    duet. 22;28 If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, that is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; 29then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife, because he hath humbled her; he may not put her away all his days.

    Can you imagine the outcry if we did this to rape victims today?
    What does this say of God’s view of consent?
    How much was 50 shekels?

    And my Favorite is the whole 3rd chapter of Jeremiah, where God seems to give an example of Divorcing a spouse that does not perform reasonably in the relationship.

    This confusing to me. I think the answer is grace, which you mention.If divorce is permissible by God or not is and individual matter, never to be done without lengthy petition and lamentation to all parties involved, and of course this would include God, I believe he told me that I could concentrate on healing from it, That I didn’t have to worry about being on his shit list.

    Another thing: We culturally tend to view divorce and remarraige as one category… do you think this is correct?

  2. 2 Inda Pink
    September 22, 2008 at 5:10 pm

    As for why I don’t post a real pic of myself…well I’m a little too in love with my privacy and being anonymous. Also I have a friend who got into some trouble work wise because someone found his blog.

    On the divorce thang well I’m no bible scholar. Deke ain’t either but I’m even less so. But I think it is worth pointing out that much changed from the old testament to the new testament. A lot of the nittier, pickier laws really aren’t held to now. The dietary laws being one of the more obvious examples.

    When you consider that God always seemed to want to keep the Jews seperate from other races and natios and keep them very distinct I think that would explain a lot of the more strict rules about sex and marriage. also, the Jews were always held to a really high bar of performance I think because God seemed to be trying to drive home a point about how we can never as mere humans with corrupted flesh can ever meet his standards of behavior.

    Also, the bible is the word of God, but humans had a hand in writing it, and I can’t shake the notion that some partriachal, chauvinist stuff got in there because people just couldn’t help themselves..

    On the divorce/remarriage thing, i personally view them as separate but related topics. Not much else to say on that I guess.

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Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

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March 2008

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