Archive for April 24th, 2008


Whips and Chains and Gags…Oh My!

The time has rolled around again to talk about sex. Y’all know how hard it is to get me talking about the topic because I’m such a straight-laced guy and all. And I was going to be a good boy, this week, really, but Sister Mary Malcontent over there on the left, who made her debut appearance on my Porn Again Threat Assessment post (Her image was quite popular to click on for many days after I posted…you bunch of pervs), had informed me that I need to address one of the more popular areas of kink this week—and explain how it does, or doesn’t, fit in with a Christian outlook. And I certainly don’t want to cross the bad sister, because if I end up over her knee, I’ll have a lot of explaining to do to Mrs. Blue.

I’ll add a little disclaimer here: Everything I’m talking about here applies to married Christians. I’ll refer you to my post Between the Sheets from February for how I see the fornication vs. married sex issue. So, one of the more popular semi-mainstream kinks (if any kinky stuff can be considered mainstream) is the whole BDSM thing. For those of you with sheltered upbringing, that’s bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. BDSM sounds nicer though, and rolls off the tongue better.

Leather/PVC/latex outfits are nothing new. Hell, one of Britney Spears’ biggest videos in her pre-breakdown pop career had her in a skintight red rubber bodysuit, and Madonna, Janet Jackson and others have donned such elegant apparel themselves more than once. Whips and handcuffs and riding crops and high-heeled boots are nothing new. A trip past the front window of any sex toy/adult novelty shop will show you that. Gagging or tying up someone to the bedposts is pretty old-school too.

But the BDSM thing goes beyond mere posing and props. Some people really get off on being tied up or being humiliated or getting into a submissive-dominant thing or getting their asses spanked or whatever. BDSM covers a broad swath of sexual interests that are loosely bound to each other. The question is, can you be into one or more aspects of BDSM and still be OK, sex-wise, within the strictures of the Christian faith? Does the “pretty much anything goes” in the marriage bed philosophy I discussed in “Between the Sheets” apply here as well?

Well, if you’re into it, crack that whip, I say!

But let’s not crack it too hard.

C’mon, you had to know that if I called out this area of sex specifically, I would have some caveats. I’m not handing y’all a blank check on kink. But mostly, you’re OK. As with so many things in the faith walk, though, you have to make sure you don’t take things too far. Here are a few of my thoughts on various specific areas of BDSM…

No pain, no gain?

OK, first, the S&M subset. The people who like to get hurt and deal out the hurt. This is the most obviously questionable area, as full-out masochism is a pathological issue and so is true sadism. If you are really into being hurt or hurting someone else, I don’t really know that having love between you is enough of a buffer or enough of a justification. “But,” you retort, “the Bible says a spouse should treat the other spouse with the same mental and physical respect you reserve for yourself. So it should be OK.”

Is it really? Are you truly willing to endure the same kind of pain you deal out? And even if you really are a “switch” couple, where each spouse is equally eager to play the sadism or masochism role, we must remember that moderation is key. Alcohol is a good analogy here. God doesn’t deny us the ability to enjoy it, but we are urged to avoid getting drunk. A few smacks with a riding crop that leave some minor welts and do no real harm…well, OK. But if you’re drawing real blood and leaving scars, not so sure about that. If you’re into the kind of hurt that can really injure someone, physically or psychologically, you’ve gone too far. You aren’t respecting your spouse or you aren’t respecting yourself—or both.

I’m a bit tied up just now

B&D, aka bondage and discipline, is the gentler cousin to S&M. First, for the B-word: I don’t particularly see anything wrong with getting tied up. Have I done it myself? Well, as with any kink I’m likely to talk about around here, you don’t need to know—and my teenaged son, who reads this blog, almost certainly doesn’t want to know. It’s traumatic enough for him to know someone of my middle age is even still having sex. Bondage is certainly a nice change of pace for a lot of couples. The idea of one person being in control of the situation and the other passively receiving adds a certain spice. Just be wise about things. Don’t leave someone tied up and alone, especially if you’re doing something extra special like using gags, because having your spouse choke to death while handcuffed to the bed is going to be a hard one to explain to the family.

As for the D-word? Yeesh, if I gave a pass to some light whipping as I did with the S&M stuff, certainly you don’t think I’m going to slam a little spanking or having your spouse lick your boot or something? Except…

Who’s in charge here?

Here’s the “but” for the discipline thing, which segues into the topic of submission and dominance, an area for which I have a cautionary note. I do believe that the husband is the spiritual head of household. And that being the case, couples need to be careful that the husband is not ceding too much power to the wife. If the husband is a lifestyle submissive—that is, he is almost always subservient to the wife in all things, sexual or otherwise, we have a problem, folks.

That being said, I’m not that keen on wives being sex slaves, either. Yes, I believe the man is spiritual head of household and the ultimate authority, but marriage should ultimately be a partnership. Men don’t rule over their wives. They may have the final say, but to be a tyrant or even just to overuse the “veto power” in the family is just idiotic. And disrespectful. And a nice way to undermine any real love and depth in the marriage.

So, in submissive-dominant roleplaying, keep it in the bedroom and make sure it’s the fun exception to your life, not the rule.

That should about cover the sexual itch of my readers and lure a few people here under the assumption that they might have seen pictures of naked, sweaty fetish sex by now. (Sorry, not gonna happen. I do have some standards.)

Now, pardon me while I figure out how to remove the ball gag Sister Mary Malcontent put on me to keep me focused on typing. That’s better…Oh, there’s the wife. Really, honey, the bad sister and I have a purely professional relationship…No, not that kind of professional relationship! Ow!

(Just a little teaser for y’all: We’ll have a guest blog post soon from one of my favorite bloggers, Big Man of Raving Black Lunatic…just as soon as we overcome the communication problems that are preventing his text from arriving in my inbox. And for another point of view on bondage and Christians over at Sex in Christ, click here….it’s interesting reading even if I don’t agree 100% with all the thoughts.)


Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

Jeff Bouley


Jeff Bouley

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April 2008

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