Married sex rules by Miz Pink

I’m tired of Deke being the one who always talks about the juicy stuff that goes down when the lights are low and the door is closed and the kids are in bed for the night. Or when the sun is high in the sky and they’re napping or at daycare and you’re playing hooky from work. I’m feeling like I wanna be a little randy today. So, let’s talk about today’s topic: Married sex rules.

Married sex does rule, by the way, but what I really mean by that title is that I wanna lay out some rules of conduct. Like a marital sex bill of rights maybe. Christian couple don’t have to just have missionary style sex and do it only to make babies. Lord knows Deke has told you all about that often enough. But I think some basic rule of conduct on the field can keep us men and women from getting too snarky with each other as the years of marriage grind on.

I’ve done some extensive research on this to make sure I get both the man’s side and woman’s side just right. In other words, I talked to a few of my girlfriends and asked my husband a few questions too. Can’t get more scientific than that, huh? So my results and advice should be accurate plus or minus 50 percentage points. But even if all of this is a little tongue in cheek, I really do believe in the rules below. Hopefully the hubby does too and if not, well, I still have a couple decades or so left to get him properly trained.

Rules for Men

As your loving husband who doesn’t want to have to hire a lawyer one day to determine who will get to have the ugly abstract painting in the living room and all of the good silverware, I pledge to you, my wife…

  1. Not only will I keep my member in my pants at all times when not engaging in sex with you or engaging in bathroom related duties or getting a physical from a doctor but I also will not get more emotionally involved with some other chick than I do with you and I won’t let my lips or any other special but technically non-sexual parts get involved with any female friends’ similar parts. No matter how drunk I get at the company party.
  2. I will not keep or seek out any truly deviant pornography or let “normal” pornography distract me from making you hot and/or emotionally fulfilled (see Porn Again post here for guidance on what porn behavior to avoid). Whatever porn I do have I will keep in a discreet and safe part of my computer or hidden deep in a closet somewhere so that it’s not up in your face making you wonder if you measure up to my fantasies. But if you express an interest in seeing what porn I like, I will let you view it immediately and without question.
  3. I will make it a point to frequently give you pleasure without expecting any goodies in return. Not only do I realize this will build me a lot of goodwill, but I recognize that I’m probably whacking off way more than you ever do and the least I can do is give you an “oral dissertation” at least once a week without being asked. As a corrolary to this, I will make sure to engage in foreplay before sex, realizing that this doesn’t just mean giving you a sloppy kiss and pinching one of your nipples.
  4. I will cuddle you after sex. Always. I will also cuddle you often when no sex has occured because I understand that you have feelings and often think I’m a barbarian who only knows how to fart and belch.

Rules for Women

As your devoted wife who doesn’t want to start from scratch with some other guy someday and doesn’t just want to see you on weekends as you pick up or drop off the kids, I pledge to you, my husband…

  1. I won’t share every single intimate detail of our sex lives with my girlfriends and compare notes with them about whether you’re being all that you could be romantically and/or sexually. I reserve the right to talk to my mom about sexual stuff if we’re in a funk though, but I will refrain from giving her too many details.
  2. I will not get bent out of shape if you have pornography as long as it’s not getting in the way and I will do my best to actually work it into our sex life if you want and if it doesn’t weird me out too much. Just make sure the kids don’t ever find it. I will remember that you married me because you love and desire me and not assume that you want me to be what you see on the pages or in the videos.
  3. Even if I’m not in the mood for the full monty in bed, I will make sure that I spend 10 minutes or so to meet your needs without taking my clothes off when you’re really horny. I know you men are horndogs and need it more than we generally do and giving you a little something special when I can’t give you exactly what you want will help keep you happy while probably also ensuring that you’ll bathe the kids and take out the trash with a smile on your face for several days.
  4. I will remember that you are, as a guy, a very visual creature and so I won’t complain that you sometimes want me to dress a certain way or put on makeup for an event that’s only going to result in me being naked and the makeup getting smudged off anyway. I do however, reserve the right to veto attempts at photography or videography. It’s too easy these days for that crap to end up on YouTube or something even if you don’t want it there.

There, four simple rules for each spouse and we can avoid nastiness. Well most of the time anyway. I’m sure I’ve missed some sexual thing or two that each or both spouses should keep in mind, but that’s why there’s a comment section for blog posts.

(I’m only making that face in the photo above because I just used some Herbal Essense shampoo. Really. Oh, yeah, that isn’t even me. But I am making that face right now. Maybe.)


7 Responses to “Married sex rules by Miz Pink”

  1. May 2, 2008 at 9:27 pm

    I’m thinking women got the better deal in your rules. Could be wrong, but that’s what I’m thinking.

  2. May 2, 2008 at 9:52 pm

    I suspect you’re right, Big Man, but isn’t that how it usually works?

    Pardon me now while I dodge the physical blows of my wife and the virtual ones of Miz Pink.

  3. 3 Inda Pink
    May 3, 2008 at 6:39 pm

    Boys boys boys. Here I go trying to single handedly get ladies off their men’s backs about the porn thing, and it’s still not enough for ya (the white wives seem to have this bug particularly bad btw).

    Okay okay I was talking to the darlin hubby and he says he thinks its weighted in favor of the women too. I’ll try to refrain from pointing out that we have to go through pregnancy and childbirth and PMS/menstrual cycles and all that. Oooops, too late. I complained.

    But I’ll throw you a bone by sorta making an official rule addition. You see in my house when my husband throws me a selfless act of mouth magic I tend to feel inclined a third to a half of the time to go head to toe and return the favor. So I’m all in favor of women reciprocating on that pretty often. It’s good to give and recieve after all.

    Will that balance the scale sufficiently gents? 😛

    And where are the ladies to protect me around here?

  4. 4 Deacon Blue
    May 3, 2008 at 8:02 pm

    Well, Miz Pink…I’m not sure where the ladies are or how much defensive support you’ll get, but I do appreciate you throwing us a bone there. (Don’t know if your pun was intentional but mine is).

    However, let me step up and be chivalrous and give you a bit of proactive defense, in case anyone wants to point out that rule #1 for the men should also apply to the women.

    First, it would have been a pretty boring post if both genders had the same exact rules with the gender terms changed.

    Second, in my experience, it seems like women get too emotionally involved with their girlfriends to be likely to get emotionally indiscrete with guy friends. Also, being a man, I can say that we seem to be more vulnerable to flattery and having our egos stroked, so we are, by and large, more likely to stray emotionally or physically when a woman friend or female co-worker or really hot stranger at the Starbuck’s show us ANY interest, even if they don’t directly come on to us.

    OK, I think that shows I have Miz Pink’s back around here. Put in a good word for me with Mrs. Blue, Pink…

  5. May 6, 2008 at 3:45 pm

    I agree with Deac’s suggestions about just changing the gender and having the same rules.

    I will also admit to being a sucker for female flattery, although I have good ability to sniff out a golddigger and avoid them.

  6. 6 Deacon Blue
    May 6, 2008 at 7:11 pm

    Never had to develop that kind of nose to sniff em out myself…never had more than a handful of women ever pursue me in life or even give off the “you can have me if you want me” vibes. so, I never had any relationship conflicts of interest to worry about. But I’ve seen more than a few co-workers, acquaintances and friends fall victim…

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Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

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