Two-fer Tuesday: Sex! by Deacon Blue

Well, haven’t had a post on sex for a while, so why not make it up to you by making it our “Two-fer Tuesday” topic this week. Of course, with an open-ended topic like this, where to start? Well, how about with some of the open ends we use during sex.

Your Mouth

Look, if you want thoughts on oral sex, go to this post; that’s not my topic here this time (Oh, calm down you horny folks out there…I’m sure I’ll come back to the subject again one day). No, there are two other things you should be doing with that mouth that I think are perhaps more important.

First, talk to your sexual partner (spouse, ideally, but I know all you single people ain’t virgins, Christian or otherwise). Tell that person what you like and tell them, most importantly, when they are doing something really right. Let them know right then and there. But also, just be willing to talk. Be willing to joke, even. Haven’t all of us had awkward moments in bed or failures to “be all that we could be?” Don’t make flub-ups a big deal. Keep it light. Sex is serious business, but if we get too serious about how we do it, we’re going to screw all the fun right out of it.

Second point about the mouth: Kiss, damn it! Kissing is important. It’s important day to day, it’s important for the warm-up routine before you really hit the sheets, it’s just really important. And let’s hear it for good oral hygiene, folks. Bad breath might be one of the surest ways to make your partner think you’re taking him or her for granted. And never start thinking that kissing is some simple activity. Much like the full-monty kind of sex, there are a lot of things you can learn about kissing, no matter how long you’ve been doing it, from new places to kiss to new ways to kiss those places.

Your Tunnel of Love

I would urge women to stop douching the hell out of their holiest of holies. Cleanliness is next to godliness, but your parts are mostly self-cleaning, thank you very much. Minor manual cleaning is all you should ever need. Men, stop making the smelly fish references to women’s parts, too. If there’s truly a bad smell, that’s a personal thing and maybe that woman needs some medical help. Women don’t smell like wharf-side food stands in general, so let’s stop with the tuna comments, OK? And if you don’t like the natural smell of a woman, take up celibacy.

Your Pocket Rocket

OK, the penis doesn’t have much of an opening, but he is an open end. He’s also an open book. Few things telegraph a man’s feelings more honestly and more unforgivably than a boner. Sadly, this eager muscle also has a tendency to let men down at inopportune moments. Ladies, a few things you need to realize if you haven’t figured it out already. First, sometimes, the equipment just lets us down by being too eager or just not doing anything. That’s nothing personal; it’s just a cruel joke on us. Second, I think we men should be able to let you admit that often, you do think that size matters. Just don’t get caught up in thinking that’s all that matters. A good driver in a compact car is always way better than a bad one in an SUV.

Your Derriere

Look, folks, this is not an all-or-nothing affair here. There are many ways the hindquarters can come into play in sex, whether for teasing or more aggressive activities or something in between. I’ll pretty much stop there because I know I have some squeamish readers. Just  keep an open mind. And keep it clean down there, just in case, OK. (All right, I’ve said too much now, haven’t I?)

Your Ears

Oh, you need to get your mind of the gutter on this one. I mean, really! OK, yeah, this can be an erogenous zone but please, don’t do anything there that will mess up the works, all right? That’s all I’m going to say on that, because people can do some crazy shit sometimes. Do please nibble, suck, lick and kiss them with abandon though.

But seriously, your ears need to be one of the most open parts of your anatomy if you want good sexual relations in your relationship. Listen to your spouse. More than that, really hear the person you say you love. Sometimes, that means picking up cues and realizing what they haven’t said or what they want to say. If your spouse says, “No, that’s OK, I’m fine.” It may really mean that he or she is trying to be nice to you, and maybe the nicer thing would be to spring a little sexual surprise on that person. Likewise, your man or woman may say, “let do it” but if those eyes are telling a different story, maybe the best thing would be to do it another day. Ask questions. Answer honestly.

Also, feel free to whisper some sweet nothings in those ears or even talk some of that dirty stuff. Good sex means bringing all the senses along for the ride.

(For Miz Pink’s take on sex today, go here.)


9 Responses to “Two-fer Tuesday: Sex! by Deacon Blue”

  1. 1 PPP
    July 23, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    Frankly, the smell thing is something that really bothers me as a minority woman. Which is why I am deathly afraid of sex and am really ashamed of how I smell. I don’t really have a positive reference in that I hear all these guys talking about dead fish, how it smells awful, cum bucket, etc. I am always using deoderants and powders to smell “fresh”. I honestly hate the way it looks as well. I think there should be more positive information for young women like me, becuase with porn etc, it looks like you must smell like a rose, have no hair and basically look pubescent.

  2. 2 Deacon Blue
    July 23, 2008 at 11:58 pm

    I’m all in favor of more postive female imagery, in all venues…regular life and porn equally. I find it interesting that you have an aversion to the way your parts look. Frankly, as a man, I think we have the ugliest looking sexual equipment around. Self-image is a poweful thing both for good and ill, so I’ll keep you in my prayers that yours can get a bit of a boost. More importantly, I pray that the men you run across and get involved with will be of a much better caliber than what you’ve apparently encountered thus far.

  3. 3 WNG
    July 24, 2008 at 9:47 am


    I don’t know if this will help at all but go online or to a library or bookstore and get a copy of the Vagina Monologues. Don’t watch videos, just read it yourself. It might help to know that you are not alone and that there are plenty of women who feel the way that you do.

    We all have to deal with our self image problems as best we can. I don’t know if my suggestion will help at all, but I know that there are three monologues in there that are talking about exactly what you brought up. One is hilarious and (to me) empowering.

    I hope this helps a little.

  4. 4 Deacon Blue
    July 24, 2008 at 2:15 pm

    Thanks, WNG…I am wholly unequipped to suggest good sources for support and empowerment. If any other women (or really in-the-now guys) have any suggestions for PPP, please don’t hesitate to chime in.

  5. 5 PPP
    August 5, 2008 at 3:34 pm

    I do aplogize for being late, but my finals are finally over.

    Thanks for the suggestion WNG. I will check out her book. Its just very hard to see it very favorably, when what is considered natural, having hair, etc is seen as distasteful. Thanks again.

  6. 6 Deacon Blue
    August 5, 2008 at 3:49 pm

    Always remember, PPP, the vast MAJORITY of women are sporting their natural hair down there…I can virtually guarantee it. They may trim a bit, but very few are doing actual major cutting or full shaving. Women in porn are really not a good measuring stick. Many more of them, for example, are sporting genital piercings than is the case in the normal world.

    As to how many women douche or perfume those parts, I have no clue whatsoever, but you can be assured that it is far from a maverick move to avoid perfumes and other cover ups when simple, normal wiping is all that’s needed.

    Women already have to go through enough with shaving the armpits and legs in this country; no need for y’all to bend to fashion whims when it comes to your privates.

    I was so bothered by the way you felt about your parts that I almost did a ranting post about how men really need to “man up” about how they view a woman’s pubic zone and how they approach it. Mrs. Blue nixed that idea by suggesting to me VERY strongly that I needed to keep on the spiritual stuff and not go so far into the carnal realm. I trust her judgment.

    Just please, PPP, love yourself first and do so without letting other people tell you that there’s something wrong with what God gave you.

  7. August 7, 2008 at 9:54 am

    wtf?? i’m typing away and all the sudden everything disappears???? anyway as i was saying before i got so rudely interupted …..i ALWAYS put perfume on and around the genital area. i also trim the area almost everyday. i am not a good indicator though, of how many women actually do this because i have OCD and this is not negotiable for me. i MUST smell good at all times. i have major issues with even thinking i might have bo (body odor) and also with bad breath. i brush my teeth several times a day and almost always have gum or a mint. and i reapply my perfume several times a day. my husband thinks im hilarious.

  8. 8 PPP
    August 12, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    Thanks very much Deacon. It may be an age thing but a lot of men want the meat curtains, etc. just stroll through http://www.askmen.com message boards and see the vitriol at what they think a woman should be.

    I know that the fault lies within me in that self love is probably the only and ultimate tonic against a society that is always telling women what is wrong with their bodies. I am unlucky in that I can’t do the usual, wax, shave, etc in that area, which makes me more uncomfortable about my body. If I should ever become intimate, I just hope that whoever he is won’t be repelled. Thanks for the blog entry and its attendant food for thought. Again I’m glad a man stated the obvious.

    Much obliged.

  9. 9 Deacon Blue
    August 12, 2008 at 10:51 pm

    The day I look for a real man at askmen.com is the day I hand in my testicles. Not saying there aren’t any real men who go there, but I’ve seen too few among the vocal posters and commenters. 😉 Frankly, there seems to be way too many guys who are young or ignorant or both. Some of that is forgivable for lack of experience but then there are guys who are just crude or shallow. (Of course, it doesn’t seem quite as bad as the Maxim crowd)

    The fact that any of them use the term “meat curtains” tells me all I need to know about the maturity level of those guys in particular (which doesn’t necessarily correlate to age level, of course).

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Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

Jeff Bouley


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