My 8th Commandment Wish List

Time to fess up again. The first time, it was to own up to the 10 women who could make me break the 7th commandment and step out on Mrs. Blue. Now, I’m going to confess the 10 top items I would break the 8th Commandment (“Thou Shalt Not Steal”) over if I didn’t think the earthly authorities would catch me doing it.

Hey, we all have our weak points. I’m just being honest here. And trying to entertain a little so that I don’t get a reputation for being just Mr. Preachy.

A Winning Lotto Ticket

Actually, let me clarify, because I wouldn’t actually steal the ticket, “just” the money. If I could manufacture a lotto ticket with the winning numbers that would pass inspection and be accepted as the real thing, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Less deserving folks than I have won the big jackpot and I have some freakin’ bills to pay. Serious bills and debts. And I’d like to pay my dad back for all the help he’s given me over the past several years. And I’d like to make sure Son of Blue gets to go to the best college he desires to attend and make sure Little Girl Blue is set long before she gets old enough to understand what college is. I want to set up some foundations and I want to take a damn vacation after more than a decade without one.

Now, actually stealing a legitimate winning lotto ticket from someone else? Nah. At least, I hope I couldn’t do that. I don’t know another person’s circumstances, so to actually take that from them directly when they might indeed need it more than I do…well, that’s way more than just stealing.

That Proverbial Big Bag of Cash

A sack or briefcase full of a huge amount of cash that I trip over will become mine. Look, if it ain’t marked with a name and address, it’s not like I can put out an ad saying, “I have some money. Will the owner please identify and claim it?” I mean, how does the person prove it’s theirs? And even if there is a name and address, if it’s a ton of cash and you’ve been carrying it around, chances are that cash ain’t exactly from a kosher business. I give it to you, and you’ll probably end up being the kind of person to put a bullet in my head so that I cannot identify you later to authorities.

Now, a bag of cash that falls off the Brinks truck? Not keeping that. Aside from the fact the money can probably be traced, I imagine they give out decent rewards for returning something like that. And even though I know the banks and the armored car companies are insured, making off with a bag of loot could spell serious trouble for the crew of that truck if it doesn’t show up. I can’t be part of messing up an individual person’s life, now. I have some principles.

Everything From a High-End Retail Store’s Men’s Section

Everything that’s my size, that is. Mrs. Blue deserves to see me in good clothes all the time for once. And good shoes, too. She’s big into nice footwear. I don’t have time for the “What Not to Wear” producers to locate me and frankly, $5,000 doesn’t go as far as one might like in New York City’s shopping locales anyway (plus, they’re always trying to get you to buy the stuff that racks up your dry-cleaning bills to the sky).

A Truly Great Computer

I don’t exactly have a craptastic heap, but I’m always behind where I need to be technologically to (1) do the work I need to do for clients without my PC slowing up or crashing at some point unnecessarily and (2) to play some really good high-end computer games.

No, make that two such computers. I need a second one so that Mrs. Blue and Son of Blue will have something cool and so that I will have a backup if I spill coffee all over mine and short the shit out beyond repair.

Aw, hell, just make it three for good measure.

The 2007, 2008 or 2009 Volvo S80

It is one of the safest cars around and it’s a high-end sedan. And it’s a damn Volvo. A name you can damn well trust. I probably couldn’t afford to repair the thing if it broke down more than once or twice, but I’d like to try. Goodbye, ancient Nissan Sentra with the peeling paint, hello Volvo S80. Sure, having an entirely new car would be great, but model years 2007 and 2008 are cool, too. I’ve never owned a brand-new car so why start now? Especially if I’m stealing it. I might as well not be too greedy.

A Porsche Cayenne

Shit, Mrs. Blue needs a ride, too. Something she and Son of Blue and Little Girl Blue can take out when I’m out in the Volvo S80 being a bigshot. Why not the Cayenne? She might be better served by a vehicle with a little more cargo space, but hey, it’s a Porsche. Accept no substitute.

Bill Gates’ Social Security Number

Look, I can use the number of someone with better credit than me. I won’t open up too many accounts, Bill, and I promise to pay the bills each month. Please don’t have me arrested when you find out. Not like I can do anything to put a dent in your rating or your fortune.

An Original Salvador Dali Painting

My house could use a little class. And Dali did good stuff that was also crazy and funky like nobody’s business. I want one of those bad boys right above the TV.

Emeril Lagasse

OK, I realize this is technically kidnapping, not stealing. But that’s just semantics. Anyway, I’ve been to one of his restaurants, and the man can cook seriously good food. Mrs. Blue is excellent, but I need to give her some time off in the kitchen when she’s tired and when she doesn’t want one of my specialties. Of course, I’m kind of sick of the whole “Bam!” thing with Emeril, so I suppose I’ll have to steal a ball gag from the the nearest S&M store, too, to keep him from yapping. Don’t worry, y’all. I’ll give him back so that his customers won’t suffer and so that the Food Network can keep profiting from him. At least until I have to steal him again…

Season Tickets for the Chicago Blackhawks

Mrs. Blue has been waiting our entire marriage to go to a damn hockey game. Something always prevents me, every single winter, from getting tickets for her and me to go see some hockey game…any hockey game. She’s fond of Chicago, so I’ll take those Blackhawks season tickets, thank you very much. You probably won’t appreciate them. We might not either, but if it turns out that Mrs. Blue thinks live hockey sucks, we can always sell them.

Advertisement

Tag! You’re It!

OK, so there’s this Brillante Weblog Award thing, and it’s sort of one-quarter game of Internet tag, one-quarter chain letter and half method to get the word out to folks about good blogs they might want to visit. At least, that’s my take on it.

Anyway, Big Man over at Raving Black Lunatic, bless his soul, nominated and “tagged” me as one four blogs in his part of the chain (he was supposed to do seven, but you can go to his post on this and see why he didn’t).

The rules go like this:

1. Put the logo on your blog
2. Add a link to the person who awarded it to you
3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs
4. Add links to these blogs on your blog
5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog

An informal tradition got started with, near as I can tell, the guy who nominated the guy who nominated Big Man, and that was to share seven personal facts. I’m going to pass on that new twist for various reasons, not the least of which is I probably share too much with y’all already and you probably have figured out things about me already that you either don’t need to know and/or don’t want confirmed. 😉

However, so that this won’t be merely a post shouting out other blogs’ glories, I will share seven reasons why I blog.

But first, my nominees (if I’m interpreting the rules right, I can’t nominate Big Man since he directly nominated me; shame about that as I would have otherwise)…

The Field Negro

Ephphatha

Losing My Religion

Black Girl in Maine

Truth for Dummies

Pajiba

I’m only doing six officially because I am leaving off a blog that I would otherwise nominate. But I suspect this Brillante Weblog Award thing would just irritate the author on general principles. That blog is Deus Ex Malcontent. So, even though it deserves to be in my nominee list, we’ll leave it off and And Chez, if you happen to see this post and if I have misjudged your opinion toward this sort of thing, go ahead and do your part of the chain. 

Now, onto the semi-personal:

Seven Reasons Why I Am Doing a Weblog

God Told Me So. OK, not really. No burning bush or anything, anyway. But I am a reasonably shy person by nature in real life, and spreading the gospel isn’t really something I do well face-to-face. I’ve been trying to find a way to use my writing skills to reach out to Christians and non-Christians in an accessible and honest and useful way, and this is it. I’m not sure if it’s “useful” yet for anyone long-term, but we’ll see. But I have prayed long and hard on how to reach people, and the Deacon Blue idea has roots that precede my awareness of weblogs, and so here I am. Not sure what God thinks about my subject matter and use of swearing some days, but it’s who I am. If you want to know more of the “Why” on that front, read the comments for this post.

Virtual Masturbation. If you read Big Man’s blog on this Brillante Award (there’s a link at the beginning of this post), you’ll see this is something he worries about a bit. Is blogging just a form of mental/verbal self-gratification? An empty ego trip? I don’t know. But damn, people used diaries and journals for years to do this crap and vent, so why not a blog in this day and age? And as it turns out, we bloggers do reach people at times and give them good things to think about, things to learn, and reasons to keep their chins up (or down). And it just feels nice to know people are reading my random thoughts, too. And anyone who’s been a reader of mine very long knows I am all for masturbation anyway.

Doing the Occasional Good Thing. As I noted in the paragraph above, there are chances to actually make a difference, however small, in someone’s life with a blog. Preferably, something nice, of course.

Doing the Occasional Bad Thing. There are some people I just don’t like or want to piss off. Even if they never read my stuff, I can do it here rather than connect a Louisville Slugger to the backs of their heads. Much more Christian of me that way, and I’m sure Mrs. Blue, Son of Blue and Little Girl Blue would prefer to see me more often than once a month (and have me not be wearing prison orange).

Exercising My Brain. I like to read, but frankly, I prefer fiction. Nothing wrong with that, because I like well-written fiction, but I do also want to read non-fiction at times, and I want to keep up with news a little, but I just don’t have the time. Or rather, I won’t make the time. Having a blog forces me to actually keep up on certain issues and to visit other blogs, and this always helps expose me to new opinions and new knowledge. And crafting my arguments and thoughts around here also keeps me sharper than I might otherwise be.

Keeping the Writing Skills Honed. I write for a living, but blog writing is a different beast from the kind of writing I do to bring money into the household. Here I can play with styles and approaches I wouldn’t otherwise be able to. And blogging has even gotten me started on writing a novel here in serialized form. Almost everyone I went to high school with and a good share of my college alums expected me to be a novelist eventually. I don’t know if that will ever happen, but now that I’m 40, it’s good to finally get off my ass and start writing one.

Friendships. I am a freelance writer and editor working from home. Making friends once you’re out of college is tough, particularly when you don’t go to a regular office-based workplace. I am not totally without friends, both locally where I live and good people I still know from college and previous professional life, but it can get lonely around here because I don’t have anyone really to “hang out with” mostly. I can get serious cabin fever. And did I mention my wife works at home, too? I love Mrs. Blue and she loves me, but being each others’ best friends only goes so far. We still need to “see other people” for friendships so we don’t get sick of each other. There are people I’ve interacted with online whom I would legitimately classify as friends, or at least the online equivalent thereof. They are good for my sanity.