My 8th Commandment Wish List

Time to fess up again. The first time, it was to own up to the 10 women who could make me break the 7th commandment and step out on Mrs. Blue. Now, I’m going to confess the 10 top items I would break the 8th Commandment (“Thou Shalt Not Steal”) over if I didn’t think the earthly authorities would catch me doing it.

Hey, we all have our weak points. I’m just being honest here. And trying to entertain a little so that I don’t get a reputation for being just Mr. Preachy.

A Winning Lotto Ticket

Actually, let me clarify, because I wouldn’t actually steal the ticket, “just” the money. If I could manufacture a lotto ticket with the winning numbers that would pass inspection and be accepted as the real thing, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Less deserving folks than I have won the big jackpot and I have some freakin’ bills to pay. Serious bills and debts. And I’d like to pay my dad back for all the help he’s given me over the past several years. And I’d like to make sure Son of Blue gets to go to the best college he desires to attend and make sure Little Girl Blue is set long before she gets old enough to understand what college is. I want to set up some foundations and I want to take a damn vacation after more than a decade without one.

Now, actually stealing a legitimate winning lotto ticket from someone else? Nah. At least, I hope I couldn’t do that. I don’t know another person’s circumstances, so to actually take that from them directly when they might indeed need it more than I do…well, that’s way more than just stealing.

That Proverbial Big Bag of Cash

A sack or briefcase full of a huge amount of cash that I trip over will become mine. Look, if it ain’t marked with a name and address, it’s not like I can put out an ad saying, “I have some money. Will the owner please identify and claim it?” I mean, how does the person prove it’s theirs? And even if there is a name and address, if it’s a ton of cash and you’ve been carrying it around, chances are that cash ain’t exactly from a kosher business. I give it to you, and you’ll probably end up being the kind of person to put a bullet in my head so that I cannot identify you later to authorities.

Now, a bag of cash that falls off the Brinks truck? Not keeping that. Aside from the fact the money can probably be traced, I imagine they give out decent rewards for returning something like that. And even though I know the banks and the armored car companies are insured, making off with a bag of loot could spell serious trouble for the crew of that truck if it doesn’t show up. I can’t be part of messing up an individual person’s life, now. I have some principles.

Everything From a High-End Retail Store’s Men’s Section

Everything that’s my size, that is. Mrs. Blue deserves to see me in good clothes all the time for once. And good shoes, too. She’s big into nice footwear. I don’t have time for the “What Not to Wear” producers to locate me and frankly, $5,000 doesn’t go as far as one might like in New York City’s shopping locales anyway (plus, they’re always trying to get you to buy the stuff that racks up your dry-cleaning bills to the sky).

A Truly Great Computer

I don’t exactly have a craptastic heap, but I’m always behind where I need to be technologically to (1) do the work I need to do for clients without my PC slowing up or crashing at some point unnecessarily and (2) to play some really good high-end computer games.

No, make that two such computers. I need a second one so that Mrs. Blue and Son of Blue will have something cool and so that I will have a backup if I spill coffee all over mine and short the shit out beyond repair.

Aw, hell, just make it three for good measure.

The 2007, 2008 or 2009 Volvo S80

It is one of the safest cars around and it’s a high-end sedan. And it’s a damn Volvo. A name you can damn well trust. I probably couldn’t afford to repair the thing if it broke down more than once or twice, but I’d like to try. Goodbye, ancient Nissan Sentra with the peeling paint, hello Volvo S80. Sure, having an entirely new car would be great, but model years 2007 and 2008 are cool, too. I’ve never owned a brand-new car so why start now? Especially if I’m stealing it. I might as well not be too greedy.

A Porsche Cayenne

Shit, Mrs. Blue needs a ride, too. Something she and Son of Blue and Little Girl Blue can take out when I’m out in the Volvo S80 being a bigshot. Why not the Cayenne? She might be better served by a vehicle with a little more cargo space, but hey, it’s a Porsche. Accept no substitute.

Bill Gates’ Social Security Number

Look, I can use the number of someone with better credit than me. I won’t open up too many accounts, Bill, and I promise to pay the bills each month. Please don’t have me arrested when you find out. Not like I can do anything to put a dent in your rating or your fortune.

An Original Salvador Dali Painting

My house could use a little class. And Dali did good stuff that was also crazy and funky like nobody’s business. I want one of those bad boys right above the TV.

Emeril Lagasse

OK, I realize this is technically kidnapping, not stealing. But that’s just semantics. Anyway, I’ve been to one of his restaurants, and the man can cook seriously good food. Mrs. Blue is excellent, but I need to give her some time off in the kitchen when she’s tired and when she doesn’t want one of my specialties. Of course, I’m kind of sick of the whole “Bam!” thing with Emeril, so I suppose I’ll have to steal a ball gag from the the nearest S&M store, too, to keep him from yapping. Don’t worry, y’all. I’ll give him back so that his customers won’t suffer and so that the Food Network can keep profiting from him. At least until I have to steal him again…

Season Tickets for the Chicago Blackhawks

Mrs. Blue has been waiting our entire marriage to go to a damn hockey game. Something always prevents me, every single winter, from getting tickets for her and me to go see some hockey game…any hockey game. She’s fond of Chicago, so I’ll take those Blackhawks season tickets, thank you very much. You probably won’t appreciate them. We might not either, but if it turns out that Mrs. Blue thinks live hockey sucks, we can always sell them.

2 Responses to “My 8th Commandment Wish List”

  1. August 19, 2008 at 8:14 am

    huh. I know a guy with a Dali. He inherited the local telecommunications company in a rural county. He actually does go to an office somewhere, but I consider him a man of leisure. His ex-wife told me he lounges around the house in camo.

  2. 2 Deacon Blue
    August 19, 2008 at 10:21 am

    Now there’s an surreal image…

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Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

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