21
Aug
08

Thou Shalt Shoot to Kill, Sort Of

I did my list on the women who could get me to break the 7th commandment and a post on items I’d steal in a heartbeat if I could be pretty sure I wouldn’t get caught. So now, a post on some killing I might do if presented the opportunity to do so. (By the way, here’s a little explanation of the 6th commandment from Biblestudy.org) For the most part, although there are a couple serious bits, this post is for entertainment and fantasy purposes only.

Why? Because even if I make it obviously in jest…

  • I’m not going to mark any politicians for imaginary death, no matter how slimy they are nor how much damage they’ve caused, first off because I don’t really desire to see them dead and also because I don’t need to be part of some FBI file or have government agents hauling me off for questioning just because I made some silly comment about, well, whomever…
  • I’m not going to say any celebrities should die, even in jest, even if they are pure evil, because then I’ll have local law enforcement on my doorstep and lawyers up my asshole.
  • I’m also not going to list any real people from my personal life. First, because while there have been some folks I’ve encountered whom I thought I might actually have to kill at some point, or whom I might have liked to at various moments, none of those people have registered in my mind in such a fashion for quite a large number of years. More importantly, there are people who read this blog and know who I am in real life, and they might be those people, or know those people. So, even looking retroactively, real, identifiable people from my life are out, no matter how heinous their actions might have been once upon a time.

So, what is this list going to look like? Let’s find out.

Anyone Who Is a Danger to My Family

OK, here is the one dead-on, stone-cold, serious-as-hell entry in the list. If you attempt to do serious physical harm to my wife or my children or succeed in doing so, you are a candidate for immediate death. I will not play. I will not risk the lives and mental health of those I love. Risking my own life and letting your ass live even though you might kill me is one thing. Putting my loved ones on the line? Not gonna happen. Frankly, though, even if you engage me in combat and I am alone, I will assume you mean to kill me and it is quite likely I will try to at least maim or cripple you; and I won’t rule out killing you. I ain’t Jesus; don’t push me.

The Careers of Several Celebrities

Please note, I said the careers. Not the people. I don’t want the humans dead; I simply want them behind the scenes, raising kids at home quietly, taking long vacations, picking up real-world office jobs, working at Burger King—really, anything that keeps them off the TV, movie theater screen, airwaves, CDs, DVDs, Internet or anywhere else they might annoy me. Tops on my career hit list are: Flava Flav, who is now a gross mockery of everything he ever purported to stand for when he was with politically and socially conscious rap group Public Enemy; Madonna, who has reinvented herself so much and jettisoned her conscience so thoroughly that she is now irrelevant and, frankly, is not even a real person anymore but a virtual contruct; Will Farrell, who has officially played the same character one too many times, that I feel he no longer deserves any more chances to try to show greater acting reach in carrying films (I think he could still be a great supporting actor and might benefit from getting back to the small screen); and Steven Seagal, who once had a decent few martial arts, kicking-ass flicks but can’t act and frankly, is looking way too puffy and sloppy these days to be a believable action hero anyway, and even though he goes direct-to-video these days, that’s still too much public-eye exposure for my tastes.

A Few Political Careers, Too

Again, let me emphasize, I don’t want the people dead. Hear me, FBI, NSA, CIA, Secret Service, Department of Homeland Security and all the rest: I am not armed nor am I dangerous (unless you’re a houseplant trying to survive in my house). I don’t wish physical harm to any of the people I am about to mention, unless said physical harm comes from God directly in the form of some lingering painful sores for a few weeks. And whose political careers would I most like to see go the way of the dodo bird? Well…

  • George W. Bush: This man made me think for a short while early on that he might be OK and grounded in Jesus. He has proven, instead, to be a completely ineffective and even toxic leader who is short-sighted, greedy, petty and totally lacking in any identifiable skills except running businesses (and countries) into the ground. He needs to pray more, and more sincerely, to get his ass back on track, and he needs to do it in private life from now on. If his daddy, George H.W. Bush, is proud of him, then I have lost what little respect I have for papa George, too.
  • Hillary Rodham Clinton: She showed such pettiness in the race to become the Democratic presidential candidate and such a poor ability to accept defeat (she’s still stomping her feet as I write this) that it is clear she shouldn’t be in any position of leadership anywhere. This woman is not a good role model for women. I could name dozens of other women, political and non-political, to whom young women and girls should look for inspiration on how to succeed and compete with men in this country. Hillary will never be someone I ever hold up to my daughter as anything but an example of what to avoid.
  • Bill O’Reilly: OK, he’s not a politician, but he’s also not a celebrity and he inserts himself into political discourse, so he gets to make the third and final entry of this list. He is an egomaniacal blowhard with no on-air talent, no journalistic credentials to speak of, no integrity, no ability to manage his anger or channel it positively, and he is the face of all that is most wrong about FOX News, and there is so much wrong with that “news” network I don’t even know where to start.

The USA Patriot Act

Aside from being eeriely similar to the goofy name of a really stupid superhero created some years back by Marvel Comics (U.S.Agent), this monstrosity is perhaps the single biggest blow to civil liberties in my lifetime. The creation of this legislation represents the equivalent of crumpling up the U.S. Constitution, swallowing it, letting it sit in your stomach for a few minutes, barfing it up, cleaning it off in a bucket of piss, flattening it and drying it off with a dirty iron, then taking a massive diarrheal dump and then using the remains of it to wipe your ass. The sooner the USA Patriot Act goes away, the sooner we start to look like a saner country again.

Bigotry

I’m just sick of it. From racism to ageism to sexism to homophobia and all the rest, can’t we just give it a rest already? I know we’re all petty and human and prone to things like hate, but what is it getting us? We are all human; can we please start treating each other with some humanity?

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3 Responses to “Thou Shalt Shoot to Kill, Sort Of”


  1. August 21, 2008 at 1:47 pm

    While we’re talking about a hit-list, can I nominate a few?

    1. Donald Trump’s comb-over. He REALLY thinks we don’t notice.

    2. The Flava of Love (TV show). Every time I turn by that show and pause for a moment, I feel guilty and want to wash my eyes out. Why not add I Love New York while we’re at it.

    3. Income taxes. I like the idea of taxing goods instead of income, so those who buy more pay more. Can’t blame a girl for trying.

    4. Excess body fat. Because then I could stop all these dang workouts and have another burger instead.

    5. Mondays. Oh dear Lord. Can’t we just eliminate them and throw the hours into Sunday, making Sunday a 48-hour supersized day? Then I can start my workweek on Tuesday and feel giddy that “the weekend is only 3 days away…”

  2. 2 Deacon Blue
    August 21, 2008 at 4:36 pm

    Thanks, Hawa…

    OK, big “I second that motion” on the Trump hairdo.

    Since I’m already assassinating Flav’s career in my list, I would hope his show would also go with his career. We can only hope that increasingly trashy New York and everything about her would also be caught in the fallout from Flav’s slaughtered career.

    I certainly won’t argue your choice about the income taxes, excess fat and Mondays. Even working from home, Mondays are a wash mentally, so I think a double-sized Sunday is a fine idea.

  3. August 25, 2008 at 4:43 pm

    Yay, no more body fat or mondays…i think i’ve died and gone to heaven!!!!!!!!! no more walking nowhere on the treadmill or waking up monday wishing i had 4 more hours to sleep! yay!! **jumps around** wooohoooo!!


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Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

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