The F-Word, Prologue

One of my semi-regular commenters around here, Chris, brought up the rather good point in the comment section for yesterday’s post that I should probably discuss the “F-word.”

Yes, that F-word, though I generally use fornication instead of fucking. Even with my potty mouth, the dirtier version just seems too vulgar most of the time, unless I’m pretty pissed about something.

Anyway, this is what Chris posted, in part:

Yes… the f word. I’d love to hear you chase that rabbit for a post or two…Is the issue, from God’s viewpoint,the lack of ceremony? level of commitment? perspective of the heart? what about remarriage? I, too am sexually active, and not married according to the laws of my land. according to some denominations, every piece of ass I get from now on will be adultery… that doesn’t exactly motivate me to run down the aisle. And would you speculate on consequences? Is a lifelong monogamous relationship without a license or certificate sin, in God’s eyes?

Before I actually post on the topic in depth sometime in the next day or two or three, I thought I might start off by noting why I care who’s fornicating with whom and why.

Well…you see…uhhh…

I don’t.

Seriously, I don’t. As long as it involves truly consenting human adults, and no weak-willed willing person is being uduly harmed by a strong-willed person with no scruples, and if I don’t have to watch what you’re doing (unless of course it’s sexy and interesting, and I want to and you’re making it available for public viewing).

Really. Vanilla sex. Menage a trois sex. Group sex. Gay sex. Lesbian sex. S&M sex. Spouse-swapping sex. Sex on top of bags of flour in the back of the pizza joint. Sex in gorilla suits. Sex in a Jell-O pit. Sex upside down while suspended from a tree. Whatever. I don’t care. (Well, OK, there may be one or two things in there I do care about because they “interest” me, but that’s another topic entirely.)

God cares a bit. I couldn’t say exactly why, though I’ll have some thoughts. I don’t even claim to have all the answers on when you’re fornicating and when you’re not and what constitutes being “married.” But again, I’ll have my thoughts. I don’t know how many people it will help, but then again, I’m not sure if anything I do here really helps anyone, and I quite likely never will know.

Stay tuned. At least one more, and perhaps two, F-Word posts to come this week and/or next…


12 Responses to “The F-Word, Prologue”

  1. September 17, 2008 at 5:27 pm

    Thanks. Great picture, 2. I like that one more than the flaming satan guy. Looks like they are both male…

  2. September 18, 2008 at 12:47 pm

    I’ve always wondered why people who live in a committed relationship don’t want to get married? Is it just stubborness? And, if it is stubborness, why do they think that would be a valid reason for God to look that other way?

    I have a friend who believes in God and Jesus, but refuses to get baptized because he says he’s too old to be walking down the aisle and it would be embarassing. I love my friend, but I’ve told him before that’s just not a good enough reason.

  3. September 18, 2008 at 7:19 pm

    My fiance and I are sexually active in a committed, monogamous relationship. We stood and gave ourselves in marriage with God as a witness. We haven’t walked down the aisle, but we picked the day and it’s coming in less than a year.

    I fought with myself over the decision, because I often wonder if our lack of legal ceremony marks us as “fornicators” in God’s eyes. Does He care about the ceremony? Does he recognize the decision that we already made before Him as “given in marriage?” Did we already “render unto Him what belongs to Him (our hearts)” and the legal ceremony is merely “rending unto Caesar what is Caesar’s (man’s acceptance)?

    Is it only wrong if we believe it to be wrong in our hearts (another scriptural basis for “sin”)?

    Does the fact that early-on we discussed and agonized over the right way to do it… not just for us… but according to what God desires for us? Does that make our hearts “in good standing with God?”

    Did Adam and Eve require a ceremony to begin making babies, or as Genesis tells us, Adam simply accepted the woman that God provided and their desire to be married (in their hearts) suffice?

    I remember the days of “recreational” sex. Commitment wasn’t an option on the table. Partners changed with boredom and not based on any spiritual need to please God. Pleasing “self” was the order of the day, even when “strong like” was involved.

    I would like to see you include an exploration of these questions in your response to Chris because this issue breezes through my mind.

    Sorry for “blogging in the comments” hehe

    Also, I do believe a day will come when you discover whether your work here helped anybody. Isn’t that something we discover in heaven?

  4. 4 Deacon Blue
    September 19, 2008 at 12:00 am

    Those are definitely some of the things I want to try to get a handle on, Hawa.

    And, LOL, you’re right that I WILL know one day…I should have said I’ll probably never know in THIS world…

  5. September 19, 2008 at 6:09 pm

    Hawa, I went through the same thing with my wife when she was my fiance…I just couldn’t get past the feeling that I was cheating before the ceremony. We did our own private thing before God, but it still felt like cheating. Anyway, it all goes away once you get married. It’s amazing how those feelings just disappear.

  6. September 21, 2008 at 9:01 am

    @ Big Man:
    At first you ruffled my feathers a little bit…

    I think this is not a formula issue, but one with complex dynamics. Stubbornness is obviously the reason for SOME people, SOME days. Also, stubbornness by it’s nature would mean that a lot, but not all of them DON’T think “that would be a valid reason for God to look that other way”. They just stubbornly do it anyway.
    We are probably talking about an enormous number of christian fornicators ( and remember, Deacon may sagely give some of us a kitchen pass!). Most probably have more than one reason, and fear is probably more widespread than stubbornness.
    Possibly, you have never been divorced.
    This may be because of your skills as a husband, your determination to never compromise your values, your upbringing, or God’s benevolence. Some of the credit may belong to your wife.
    The deterioration of my last relationship after a decade, was a little painful. It was a surprise, and an embarrassment as well. My father died unexpectedly,in the midst of it, requiring me to reschedule the appointment with my wife to sign the papers. It was truly difficult. The finer points of how I feel are impossible to communicate, and still not sorted out, but fear is a big part of it.
    You are probably partly right. I could masturbate (I am experienced, and skilled :D)
    But I do not fornicate lightly, and I know God is watching.
    From your comments, and stance I assume your marriage is wonderful, and that you were a christian when it began. Praise God. Sincerely, I tip my hat to you for your behavior that honors Him, and wish you a lifetime of blessing in it.
    You go, boy.

  7. September 22, 2008 at 6:13 pm

    Nah, my marriage isn’t wonderful at all. Times are tough. But, we’re still married and finding our way.

    I try hard not to comment on divorce because I understand people have strong feelings about it and those feelings are rooted in real world experiences. I pray to God to keep my marriage strong, but I acknowledge that things could go completely bad and we could split. I don’t want to do that, I don’t plan on being hte one to initiate the split, but it could happen.

    However, if it happens, I think I will still feel like I failed in a promise I made to God and I will feel like a sinner if I have sex with another person. Now, I’ll probably get past this like so many others and live my life, but I’m sure it will happen.

    But, what I was curious about was the idea that somebody would live together for 20 or 30 years an not get married. If that person doesn’t believe in God or isn’t a Christian it makes some sense. But, I find it hard to understand why a traditional Christian would make that choice. Shoot, I can’t really understand why a non-traditional Christian would do it. It seems weird to me to refuse to get married to somebody you’ve already committed your life to. Just seems like you’re trying to make a point in a way. I’m curious about that point and why people find it so important.

  8. 8 Deacon Blue
    September 22, 2008 at 10:50 pm

    My situation is much like Big Man’s. Plenty of troubles and rough spots, but committed to making it work, amd committed to the notion that vows before God and man are pretty damn important. If I didn’t love my wife and believe I was loved in return, I could see why I might not want to fight to make it work…but I do and I believe she does, and so I work to not let any crap get in the way of my marriage continuing. Divorce, for me, is simply an option I refuse to entertain, no more than I would entertain exiting my daughter’s life or my son’s.

    And I am much in the same mold as my dad, in fact, in that I believe I made my life with one person and if it doesn’t work, I don’t see a reason to try a second time. I believe my wife is the woman I was meant to marry, and that’s that. I went into the relationship in prayer and faith, I got married in prayer and faith, and I cannot imagine marrying again even if my wife died or we got divorced.

  9. September 24, 2008 at 2:04 pm

    Even if she died?

    And would you give up sex completely if y’all divorced. I ain’t gonna lie, not wanting to keep fornicating was a huge reason why I felt I needed to get married. I felt like I was seriously betraying God every time I engaged in pre-marital sex after I promised him it wouldn’t happen again.

  10. 10 Deacon Blue
    September 24, 2008 at 3:09 pm

    I admit wholeheartedly I’d be too weak probably to abstain from sex, whether my marriage failed (God forbid!) by divorce or ended by death of Mrs. Blue (ideally, no sooner than 3 or 4 decades from now). On the other hand, I wasn’t much of a ladies man before I married, so I’d mostly muddle along with porn probably.

    But truth be told, I’d probably get my itches scratched from time to time. I just don’t see myself dating again or hitching up again, regardless. My dad never did, not during the many, many years he and my mom were divorced (they ultimately hooked up again when I was in college), and he still hasn’t since she died around 6 years ago. In many ways, I am very much like my dad, and I suspect that would hold true on this front as well.

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Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

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