Decisions, Decisions – Part 1

As we Americans prepare to chart either a bold new course in the future of the United States or try to repave an eight-year-old path that has already led us to the beginning of the destruction of our economy, I am reminded that this nation is sharply split, almost right down the middle, in terms of the presidential candidates and many of the issues we grapple with right now.

In that vein, it strikes me that America is split between “Red States” and “Blue States,” between rich and everyone else, between liberal and conservative, between Democrat and Republican, between working class and “elites,” between the thinkers and the blissfully ignorant…ah, hell, you get the idea.

Rather than belabor the point that I’ve been making for some time now that Obama is good and McCain is the effluent coming out of Satan’s septic system, let me provide you with what (it seems to me) are the most endearing pairs of archetypes that we seem to want to handle our nation’s problems.

Crime

Superman

PROS: Virtually indestructible and possessed of stupendous powers. Sees things very starkly in black-and-white/good-and-evil. Supports policies of whatever president is in office, no matter how contradictory from one term to the next.

CONS: He’s an alien. Not just an illegal alien but a space alien. Where’s his damn Green Card? Also, boring as hell.

Batman

PROS: Will take down criminals expediently and, when necessary, violently, but actually does good detective work as well, and has a strong no-kill, no-torture policy. Access to substantial financial resources, and his weapons are always at least as good, if not better than, his enemies’. Has really cool outfits and some nice rides.

CONS: Often grim and humorless, and only works at night.

Healthcare

Jesus

PROS: A hard-working, dedicated, selfless humanitarian who loves everyone and puts holistic health and complete healing among the top items in his priority list. Works 24/7 for you and never slacks off. Has very high-level connections and is able to prepare a complete wine-and-cheese get-together with just a couple barrels of water and a couple small hunks of cheese and bread.

CONS: Prone to sarcasm and irritation at times when confronted with boneheaded lack of faith or inability to understand simple parables; known to be destructive toward moneylenders’ tables and fig trees that fail to produce fruit.

The Grim Reaper

PROS: Very effective at ensuring that people don’t use up their medical insurance benefits and fantastic at population control. Helps drive business in several sectors, including pharmaceuticals, medical care and mortuary sciences. Doesn’t have a discriminatory bone in his body…er, well, he is all bones, isn’t he?

CONS: Wants you dead as soon as possible. Yes, you.

Christian Values

Joel Osteen

PROS: Great smile, winning personality, and a huge congregation. Tells a great story and presents himself well. His dad was a well-regarded pastor.

CONS: Seems to lack the ability to actually preach the “Christ” in “Christianity,” in favor of self-help platitudes and “you can be wealthy too” sentiments instead. Seems to like the spotlight a bit much.

Charles Stanley

PROS: Solid grounding in the Word of God and ability to preach the cold, hard truths of God’s plan while also highlighting the loving and warm parts. Doesn’t seem to be profiting unduly from his ministry. Seems humble.

CONS: Looks and sounds a bit too much like the grandfather whom you love but didn’t much enjoy visiting for an entire day.

Public Policy

Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins

PROS: Well loved Hollywood figures who know the issues and are in agreement on a strong left-leaning approach. They are willing to stand on their beliefs and dedicated to educating others about what the right path is.

CONS: They’re freakin’ actors, for God’s sake! And preachy ones at that. They can’t shut up sometimes. Go do a movie already, OK?

James Carville and Mary Matalin

PROS: Provide a well-balanced team as one spouse is ragingly Democrat and the other one is devoutly Republican. They know lots of people in the political world. They’ve been around the world and they’ve seen all kinds of things that would make your hair curl, I’m sure.

CONS: The only things they seem to agree on are what to eat for dinner and the fact they like screwing each other still.

Terrorism

Jack Bauer of “24”

PROS: Dedicated to truth and justice and the welfare of Americans. Works hard and often resolves problems in one day. Will cause himself and reputation harm if necessary to get his job done. Has integrity to spare and knows just where to look to find the bad guys.

CONS: Kinda moody.

Rambo (or any of a number of other Stallone characters, such as Judge Dredd)

PROS: Shoots everything in sight. Doesn’t talk much.

CONS: Poor communicator. Shoots everything in sight.

  

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Acts of the Hummus Idol, October Edition

October is my favorite month. Aside from the fact that children and adults are embracing the dark side and opening themselves to possession by Satan’s minions by dressing in costumes on All Hallow’s Eve as part of the mainstream and commercialized “Halloween” and thus increasing the stranglehold of evil over your mortal realm…*snicker*…damn, I couldn’t keep a straight face there. *sigh* Although it is funny how many fundamentalist Christians I’ve tricked into believing that is true, causing them to make their kids hate them for years by denying them trick-or-treating or forcing them to dress as angels every year. I love eff-ing around with those folks. Anyway, the real reason I love this month is that National Hummus Day takes place on October 16 and the HummusPalooza Festival runs from October 9-12 in Woodstock, N.Y. My power peaks this month as a result, and I fully expect to control the very fabric of creation by the 21^st. But until then, when I subjugate all of you, I will continue to answer your queries…

I, the great and powerful Hummus Idol, will now entertain your questions and grant unto you the wisdom that only a pile of very angry crushed chickpeas, tahini, olive oil and other seasonings can offer. Don’t let the smiling face fool you. I am a fridge-cold killah. Bow down before me, speak your question, and incline your ears or any other convenient part of your anatomy as I spew my advice upon thee.

Q: Paper or plastic? – Hawa K. Bond, author of Fackin Truth Blog

A: It is rare for me to apologize; in fact, this will be the first time in 327 years, and I hope to go another 400 or so before I do it again. But Hawa asked this question in the comments section for my July edition, and I never did answer her. I’m sorry. I will rectify that now.

The answer is, quite clearly: Leather. I have existed since the dawn of recorded history, when one of the first preparers of hummus accidentally cut the finger of his virgin daughter and inadvertently spilled her blood upon the crushed chickpeas and tahini, as an errant lightning bolt fell from the sky to strike the delightful mixture while one of the dark old gods was passing by a few miles away, thus causing the hummus to obtain the powerful sentience and untold mystical might that is me, the Hummus Idol! …um…pardon me. I got caught up in the moment there. What I meant was that I have been around a long time, and I know that nothing beats a good leather sack. Preferably sueded.

I consider paper good only for writing down the names of individuals upon whom I plan to lay horrifying curses, and plastic is not only environmentally harmful because of the lack of biodegradability but it also makes me chafe.

Q: I am a Wiccan, and I am very offended by the girls who dress up as witches every Halloween, wearing black robes and pointy hats, with warty noses and green skin, and carrying brooms that they pretend to fly around on. What’s up with that? Can’t people have any respect? And could you zap a few of them for me, please? – Cynthia Felize, Berkeley, Calif.

A: Well, if you’re like most Wiccans, you embraced this religion as part of the New Age movement or because it sounded cool and wasn’t as grim as becoming a goth chick. I’m sorry, but this religion was created in the mid-20th Century by a guy with a questionable backstory. You are entitled to your beliefs, but modern Wicca is, in my garlic-infused opinion, a creation for people who want religion but don’t like any kind of god that actually expects anything of you. So, considering that the witch archetype so commonly sported this month predates your practices by centuries, you should stop complaining. Shit, you already call yourselves wiccans instead of witches, so what are you bitching about? Also, you don’t hear nurse practitioners raising a ruckus about women who wear fetishy nurse get-up with fishnets and high heels, do you? And are people of gypsy decent making a big to-do when people dress up like them, looking like some kind of cross between a pirate and a hobo? Away from me, you fascist pusher of unnecessary and oppressive politically correct doctrine.

Q: Am I going to win this election? – Barry O., Chicago, Illinois

A: If you had asked me 8 years ago, I would have said “yes” in a heartbeat, as you clearly outclass your competitor in style, panache, intelligence, temperament and logic. And even though your running-mate is a little crazy, he isn’t nearly as bad as your competitor’s sidekick. But sadly, it’s still a toss-up, Senator. I mean, this nation elected George W. Bush and then re-elected him to a second term. A former coke-head and alcoholic with a history of running businesses badly, who was mediocre student in college, and who was governor in a state where the governorship is mostly a figurehead position. Besides, I’m not going to expend the effort to pierce the veil of the future and tell you for sure unless you plan to hand over your immortal soul. I can put it right on the shelf next to Sarah Palin’s…

Q: Do you have any idea where my wedding ring is? My wife is going to kill me if she notices it’s gone. -Harold Feebler, Crisco, Wyoming

A: Yeah. It fell into the shallow grave that you buried your sixth serial murder victim in last night.

Look, your wife never notices the smell of fresh earth on you every month on the night of the full moon, and she’s never commented about the strange bloodstains or your habit of smearing your own feces on your face as penance for your sexual addiction to prostitutes. I’m pretty sure if you just buy a cheap ring from the jewelry store in the mall tomorrow you won’t have a problem.

But you are going to burn in hell all the same.

(Image by Stewart Butterfield, who is not affiliated with this blog and who doesn’t even know I or my opinions exist, and used under Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 License)

(Hummus Idol does not speak as a representative or agent of Deacon Blue or anyone else associated with this blog. In fact, Hummus Idol doesn’t exist. He is wholly and completely a manufactured character that acts as an angry facade behind which Deacon Blue can hide for petty entertainment purposes and for times when he needs to be extra crusty and get shit off his chest. That said, you can feel free to shower the Hummus Idol with offerings of jewelry, money or fine art…he will make sure it goes someplace where it is needed.) View complete list of Humus Idol entries here.