Decisions, Decisions – Part 1

As we Americans prepare to chart either a bold new course in the future of the United States or try to repave an eight-year-old path that has already led us to the beginning of the destruction of our economy, I am reminded that this nation is sharply split, almost right down the middle, in terms of the presidential candidates and many of the issues we grapple with right now.

In that vein, it strikes me that America is split between “Red States” and “Blue States,” between rich and everyone else, between liberal and conservative, between Democrat and Republican, between working class and “elites,” between the thinkers and the blissfully ignorant…ah, hell, you get the idea.

Rather than belabor the point that I’ve been making for some time now that Obama is good and McCain is the effluent coming out of Satan’s septic system, let me provide you with what (it seems to me) are the most endearing pairs of archetypes that we seem to want to handle our nation’s problems.



PROS: Virtually indestructible and possessed of stupendous powers. Sees things very starkly in black-and-white/good-and-evil. Supports policies of whatever president is in office, no matter how contradictory from one term to the next.

CONS: He’s an alien. Not just an illegal alien but a space alien. Where’s his damn Green Card? Also, boring as hell.


PROS: Will take down criminals expediently and, when necessary, violently, but actually does good detective work as well, and has a strong no-kill, no-torture policy. Access to substantial financial resources, and his weapons are always at least as good, if not better than, his enemies’. Has really cool outfits and some nice rides.

CONS: Often grim and humorless, and only works at night.



PROS: A hard-working, dedicated, selfless humanitarian who loves everyone and puts holistic health and complete healing among the top items in his priority list. Works 24/7 for you and never slacks off. Has very high-level connections and is able to prepare a complete wine-and-cheese get-together with just a couple barrels of water and a couple small hunks of cheese and bread.

CONS: Prone to sarcasm and irritation at times when confronted with boneheaded lack of faith or inability to understand simple parables; known to be destructive toward moneylenders’ tables and fig trees that fail to produce fruit.

The Grim Reaper

PROS: Very effective at ensuring that people don’t use up their medical insurance benefits and fantastic at population control. Helps drive business in several sectors, including pharmaceuticals, medical care and mortuary sciences. Doesn’t have a discriminatory bone in his body…er, well, he is all bones, isn’t he?

CONS: Wants you dead as soon as possible. Yes, you.

Christian Values

Joel Osteen

PROS: Great smile, winning personality, and a huge congregation. Tells a great story and presents himself well. His dad was a well-regarded pastor.

CONS: Seems to lack the ability to actually preach the “Christ” in “Christianity,” in favor of self-help platitudes and “you can be wealthy too” sentiments instead. Seems to like the spotlight a bit much.

Charles Stanley

PROS: Solid grounding in the Word of God and ability to preach the cold, hard truths of God’s plan while also highlighting the loving and warm parts. Doesn’t seem to be profiting unduly from his ministry. Seems humble.

CONS: Looks and sounds a bit too much like the grandfather whom you love but didn’t much enjoy visiting for an entire day.

Public Policy

Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins

PROS: Well loved Hollywood figures who know the issues and are in agreement on a strong left-leaning approach. They are willing to stand on their beliefs and dedicated to educating others about what the right path is.

CONS: They’re freakin’ actors, for God’s sake! And preachy ones at that. They can’t shut up sometimes. Go do a movie already, OK?

James Carville and Mary Matalin

PROS: Provide a well-balanced team as one spouse is ragingly Democrat and the other one is devoutly Republican. They know lots of people in the political world. They’ve been around the world and they’ve seen all kinds of things that would make your hair curl, I’m sure.

CONS: The only things they seem to agree on are what to eat for dinner and the fact they like screwing each other still.


Jack Bauer of “24”

PROS: Dedicated to truth and justice and the welfare of Americans. Works hard and often resolves problems in one day. Will cause himself and reputation harm if necessary to get his job done. Has integrity to spare and knows just where to look to find the bad guys.

CONS: Kinda moody.

Rambo (or any of a number of other Stallone characters, such as Judge Dredd)

PROS: Shoots everything in sight. Doesn’t talk much.

CONS: Poor communicator. Shoots everything in sight.




4 Responses to “Decisions, Decisions – Part 1”

  1. October 2, 2008 at 4:30 pm

    This is going to sound trite coming from me, but that was a very white list.

  2. 2 Deacon Blue
    October 2, 2008 at 9:45 pm

    LOL…I know, I know. Aside from Jesus, they’re all white (including the Grim Reaper, being all bony and whatnot)

    It germinated in my mind with just a couple categories and I rushed through it while the juices were flowing mentally, and these were the ones that came to mind quickest. I’ll probably overcompensate in Part 2 with a list heavy on non-whites.

  3. October 3, 2008 at 2:34 pm

    No need to do that. I just thought it was funny. Your list is accurate, but it says something about American archetypes, that they are all pretty white.

  4. 4 Deacon Blue
    October 3, 2008 at 3:11 pm

    Oh, there may be no NEED to do it, but it’s my nature to do so. I had noticed the whiteness of my original list shortly after posting it.

    Even in my multiculture family setup, I’m as prone to think white first as anyone else among my caucasian brethren. It’s a wonder that my “Women I’d break the 7th commandment with” post was as diverse as it was.

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Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

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