19
Oct
08

Guilty Pleasures

I’m going to let you in on some dirty little secrets of mine. A handful of women that I am, for varying reasons, kind of ashamed (and in at least one case, mortified) to say I would like to have known in bed already or, if my wife should pass away suddenly, have a crack at in bed in the future.

This is to be distinguished from the “Women I’d Break the 7th Commandment With” post, as I simply cannot see any of the women I’m about to list here actually wooing me away from my wife for even a quickie. It’s just that, well, were I on the market again, I probably wouldn’t be able to resist a damn one of them.

Helen Mirren

Sure, this woman is 23 years my senior (and a senior citizen), but damn. She somehow manages to both look her age and look good. Really good. I mean, most college-aged women probably couldn’t maintain a body this nice. Bonus points for having a British accent. Additional bonus points for being a tremendous actor.

Here are a few notable quotes that make me like her even more:

“Flesh sells. People don’t want to see pictures of churches. They want to see naked bodies.” (she has often appeared nude in roles)

“I’m a would-be rebel. The good girl who’d like to be a bad one.”

“It’s the creme-de-la-creme of bullshit.” (speaking about the Academy Awards)

“When you do Shakespeare they think you must be intelligent because they think you understand what you’re saying.”

Madonna

To be honest, Madonna was in her peak in the 1980s and early 1990s. I’m not saying she hasn’t done some good tunes since then; but she needs to sit her ass down. I’m not against women being sexual into their mature years (I mean, she’s only 10 years older than me and I don’t consider myself old, really). I don’t think that women (or men) have to exit the pop music business at a certain age.

It’s just that she’s ceased to be relevant. Long ago. She strikes me as someone who is desperately clinging to her place in the spotlight and trying to force her career on us far above any normal kind of promotion or marketing. She’s reinvented herself so often that I don’t think she knows who she is. I mean, the woman got into the Kaballah, which is something you really should be a really intellectual and/or mystically oriented Jew to be tackling. She’s been around the block so much that even if she has used a condom with ever one of her lovers I have to wonder what disease might be lurking.

But still. I can’t shake the notion that she could teach me and show me things that would make me forget my own name. This woman lured 33-year-old baseball star Alex Rodriguez from his soon-to-be ex-wife, who’s a pretty damn sexy woman.

Sarah Palin

I know, I know. The woman is evil. She panders to the worst in people, particularly in rural America, playing on the basest fears and fanning the flames. But I’ve just got to know if there’s a steaming vixen underneath her conservative exterior. Could she really be a “naughty librarian” type? Maybe it’s just the fact that Tina Fey gets sexier the more she riffs on Palin in “Saturday Night Live” skits and I’m just projected a growing Tina Fey lust onto Sarah Palin.

Maybe it’s just the “bad boy” thing with a gender twist. I know she’s wrong for me, I know she’d hurt me, I know we have nothing in common, I know I’d hate myself for waking up next to her. I’m mortified even now to admit all this, and I’ve never even shared the same airspace with her, much less knocked boots.

But I’m curious. Like every ignorant guy out there who thinks Barack Obama is a terrorist and lusts after Palin, I just want to know if those winks she keeps throwing out in her speeches are just for me.

(C’mon, gentlemen. And ladies. Don’t let me hang out here alone, now. Let me know who your guilty pleasures are. Confession is good for the soul.)

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7 Responses to “Guilty Pleasures”


  1. 1 Mrs Blue
    October 19, 2008 at 8:51 pm

    Dude, you are so in the doghouse…. that list was ok until you mentioned that Palin heffa. The ole ladies I can understand but Palin…..no way man.

  2. 2 Deacon Blue
    October 19, 2008 at 10:46 pm

    Hey, I’m not voting for the wench…

    Look, blame the media and the bloggers before me who harped on the naughty librarian thing. It’s them that’s got me wondering if she’s some kind of freak in bed. Strictly morbid curiosity.

    Truth is, unlike the other two, Palin wouldn’t be able to last for longer than a one-night stand (leaving her at 2 in the morning with a fake phone number), and if she talked at all I’d probably lose my erection and have to leave.

    But writing that wouldn’t have given me enough text to wrap around her photo…so I took a little poetic license.

    (You know, I realized I’d have to answer for her being on the list…had to be my wife, though, who’d broach it, right?)

  3. October 20, 2008 at 5:04 pm

    You would sleep with Madonna?

    Madonna looks like she consorts with Satan. Have you seen her recently? There is nothing attractive about her to me.

    As for Palin:

    Get him Mrs. Blue.

  4. 4 Deacon Blue
    October 20, 2008 at 6:50 pm

    Consider me gotten already. Of course, I hope I don’t have to note that these entries (well, with the possible exception of Mirren), are more than slightly over the top, even if they are based in some truth (I still often mentally view Madonna in her mid-career mode, where she was neither as trampy as at the start of her career nor as witchy as she it now)

  5. 5 Mrs Blue
    October 20, 2008 at 8:40 pm

    LOL…Don’t worry Big Man, Deacon is in the dog house for even thinking about that wench and I am a pretty laid back sista.(he ought to be glad I felt like cooking dinner tonight and didn’t make him eat a PB &J sammich) I gotta agree that the recent pictures I have seen of Madonna are not that flattering, she is not aging well at all IMO.

  6. October 21, 2008 at 4:35 am

    You guys are too funny. I joked once with my wife and said we should make some Christian porn, we probably would be richer than Bill Gates after that 😉

    As far as who I find appealing you reminded me of the movie “when Harry met Sally”. She says something about fat and ugly women and he goes, “Nah, you pretty much want to nail them too.”

  7. 7 Deacon Blue
    October 21, 2008 at 9:57 am

    Tit for Tat…I’ve often wondered what kind of market there might be for Christian porn…and what it might look like.

    Mrs. Blue…maybe you’re just on the wrong track, honey…instead of the doghouse, maybe you should snap a dog collar around my neck. The possibilities there are more likely to keep my mind from wandering to undesirable directions. 😉


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Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

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