Archive for December 5th, 2008


Suicidal Tendencies

gods_finger_water I have a very personal feeling about suicide: Don’t do it.

Really. Just don’t freakin’ do it.

If you’ve ever thought about it, do whatever it takes to get the thought out of your head. Counseling. Prayer. A support system. Anything and everything you can do.

My life has taken some pretty stressful turns in recent years, especially in the past week. I found myself in a situation over the past several days where not only did my marriage seem to be on shaky ground but a rift was growing between myself and my dad, who is my only surviving parent. I was down. It was grim. And things are tight on top of all that, financially and otherwise. On my worst day, which was only a few days ago, Mrs. Blue called me up from work to make sure I was OK. She was worried, because she thought maybe I might be so down as to be suicidal or at least somehow hurt myself.

I can’t say I blame her, I suppose. She has had at least one close friend I suspect was suicidal. She didn’t kill herself exactly, but her lifestyle and the way she died was born out of depression and while she may not have exactly intended to die, she did, in a sense, kill herself through inattention to her diabetes and too much drinking and other nonsense.

Moreover, a  man who had been becoming a friend to my wife a few years back, and who had been a friend of her late mom’s before, committed suicide. Came home from serving and protecting folks, decided he couldn’t take life anymore, and put a gun in his mouth.

Myself, I have never seriously considered suicide. In fact, it’s almost never even a passing thought for more than about two seconds. Not even this past week. Not any time. And, I suspect, not ever. It’s not because of some tremendous strength within me so much as it is a personal philosophy that there are few things more heinous that a person can do than kill himself or herself.


Sure, there are worse things, perhaps, involving rape and children, but suicide nonetheless ranks right up there, because when you do it, you can’t take it back. You can’t fix it. You leave behind a kind of nuclear-level damage damage, a stinking and burning pile of emotional rubble, that anyone who cared for you will have to dig out of for years. Some people will blame themselves for not having been able to stop you from killing yourself. Some might end their own lives in despair. Lives will be damaged, not fixed, by your suicide.

The only person that might be getting off easy is you. And that’s so very selfish in my mind. About the most selfish act there is.

No, I’m not going to tell you it’s a mortal sin that will damn you to hell. Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. My father in law argues that it is because you can’t ask forgiveness for it and because you are choosing the time of your death instead of letting God’s plans for you play out. I call nonsense on both of those notions, but still, it’s an opinion held by some. But again, it’s not what I’m arguing. I’m arguing that it’s something so cruel to do to those who care about you that it isn’t worth doing.

Even if you are a douche-nozzle of such epic proportions that you can spew yeasty chunks and sanguine fecal matter 50 yards in every direction, somebody most likely gives a shit about you. And probably more than one somebody.

Really, someone cares about you deeply, almost certainly. Someone. Somewhere.

If you have even a caring bone in your own body, than please care enough not to put that person through the hell of a suicide on your part.


A New Woman to Turn My Head

  • UPDATE: Feb. 12, 2009…Look, somehow I got way up high in the Google image searches for Salma Hayek. I know a lot of you coming here because of that may be disappointed to find I don’t talk about her much (though I think breastfeeding a starving kid in Africa ups her cool quotient even higher than it already was). But really, stick around. I can be an entertaining guy, and I talk about all sorts of shit here, from religion to sex to politics…and I’m even writing a sci-fi novel online here a few scenes at a time every few days. And hey, how many foul-mouthed, progressively minded deacons do you hang out with on the daily….now, for the original post…continue on below…)

Well, the headline is a bit misleading, as this isn’t exactly some new celebrity crush of mine, but merely someone who didn’t quite make the “top ten” in my list of women I’d break the 7th commandment with.

However, I am forced to remove one of the women from that list for the gross sin of giving a child a stupid-ass name. As Hummus Idol noted recently in his Thanksgiving edition special post, Gwen Stefani and her husband, whatever-the-hell-his-first-name-is Rossdale, named their second child Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale.

While their naming of the first child was unique (Kingston James McGregor Rossdale), it retained some dignity; this second time around, however, is just plain stupid. Zuma Nesta sounds like some bad new soft drink, and the addition of “Rock” is just plain wrong. Only person who should ever have “Rock” in their name is the late, great Rock Hudson. Hell, even Dwayne Johnson finally stopped using “The Rock” as his name after he’d been out of wrestling a while and into the acting scene. (Not that professional wrestling and acting are really any different, of course.)

It’s not that I ever thought Gwen Stefani was some genius. But she seemed talented, seemed like a decent sort, and I asssumed she had some basic level of common sense. You can give your child one effed-up name as long as you give them at least one, and preferably two, middle names that they can choose from later than are relatively normal. This name borders on child cruelty, and marks a continuing level of idiocy among celebrities who think it’s cute to be playful with something a child has to carry until he or she is old enough to legally change it.

You’re out of here, Gwen, and your replacement is:

salma-hayekSalma Hayek

I’ve always had a soft-spot for this Mexican beauty, from silly roles in movies like From Dusk Till Dawn to more serious ones like Freda. And frankly, there are enough white women in my list already, so the addition of a fully latina woman is probably for the best anyway.

Salma has curves in all the right places instead of going for the stick-thin look, and she just oozes confident feminine power. It probably doesn’t hurt, either, that I had a dream two nights ago in which she and I were doing highly improper things while olive oil rained down on us.

So, for her talent, her class, her looks and the fact that Internet searches for images of her have led people to Miz Pink’s post “Kid Unfriendly” more than any other post on this blog (it has more than 2,500 hits and people still keep finding it when looking for Salma), I elevate her from honorable mention status to replace the suddenly nit-witted Gwen Stefani.

Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

Jeff Bouley


Jeff Bouley

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December 2008

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