05
Dec
08

A New Woman to Turn My Head

  • UPDATE: Feb. 12, 2009…Look, somehow I got way up high in the Google image searches for Salma Hayek. I know a lot of you coming here because of that may be disappointed to find I don’t talk about her much (though I think breastfeeding a starving kid in Africa ups her cool quotient even higher than it already was). But really, stick around. I can be an entertaining guy, and I talk about all sorts of shit here, from religion to sex to politics…and I’m even writing a sci-fi novel online here a few scenes at a time every few days. And hey, how many foul-mouthed, progressively minded deacons do you hang out with on the daily….now, for the original post…continue on below…)

Well, the headline is a bit misleading, as this isn’t exactly some new celebrity crush of mine, but merely someone who didn’t quite make the “top ten” in my list of women I’d break the 7th commandment with.

However, I am forced to remove one of the women from that list for the gross sin of giving a child a stupid-ass name. As Hummus Idol noted recently in his Thanksgiving edition special post, Gwen Stefani and her husband, whatever-the-hell-his-first-name-is Rossdale, named their second child Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale.

While their naming of the first child was unique (Kingston James McGregor Rossdale), it retained some dignity; this second time around, however, is just plain stupid. Zuma Nesta sounds like some bad new soft drink, and the addition of “Rock” is just plain wrong. Only person who should ever have “Rock” in their name is the late, great Rock Hudson. Hell, even Dwayne Johnson finally stopped using “The Rock” as his name after he’d been out of wrestling a while and into the acting scene. (Not that professional wrestling and acting are really any different, of course.)

It’s not that I ever thought Gwen Stefani was some genius. But she seemed talented, seemed like a decent sort, and I asssumed she had some basic level of common sense. You can give your child one effed-up name as long as you give them at least one, and preferably two, middle names that they can choose from later than are relatively normal. This name borders on child cruelty, and marks a continuing level of idiocy among celebrities who think it’s cute to be playful with something a child has to carry until he or she is old enough to legally change it.

You’re out of here, Gwen, and your replacement is:

salma-hayekSalma Hayek

I’ve always had a soft-spot for this Mexican beauty, from silly roles in movies like From Dusk Till Dawn to more serious ones like Freda. And frankly, there are enough white women in my list already, so the addition of a fully latina woman is probably for the best anyway.

Salma has curves in all the right places instead of going for the stick-thin look, and she just oozes confident feminine power. It probably doesn’t hurt, either, that I had a dream two nights ago in which she and I were doing highly improper things while olive oil rained down on us.

So, for her talent, her class, her looks and the fact that Internet searches for images of her have led people to Miz Pink’s post “Kid Unfriendly” more than any other post on this blog (it has more than 2,500 hits and people still keep finding it when looking for Salma), I elevate her from honorable mention status to replace the suddenly nit-witted Gwen Stefani.

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9 Responses to “A New Woman to Turn My Head”


  1. 1 societyvs
    December 5, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    You finally came to your senses – this is one the of the prettiest women in hollywood.

  2. 2 Deacon Blue
    December 5, 2008 at 12:41 pm

    No argument there…it was hard making the final cuts and seeing that Salma didn’t make my original top ten. But now, balance has been restored and reality can continue on as it should have been doing all along.

  3. December 5, 2008 at 7:27 pm

    Olive oil?

    Now that is a weird dream?

    Does pasta make you horny or something?

  4. 4 Deacon Blue
    December 5, 2008 at 10:12 pm

    I’ve had weirder sex dreams than that, Big Man.

    No pasta fetish or anything like that.

    But as far as potential lubricants go, at least it’s healthy for you and all natural. 😉

    Honestly, though: no idea where that came from. If she were Greek instead of Mexican, it might have made more sense…

  5. March 2, 2009 at 1:41 am

    Twin master pieces.

  6. 6 Deacon Blue
    March 2, 2009 at 11:21 am

    Well, I can only imagine John is referring more to Salma Hayek’s lovely upper torso, and NOT to my original breaking the 7th commandment post and this follow-up.

    😉

  7. 7 suyog
    June 11, 2009 at 1:37 am

    salma is so sweet… i love her very much

  8. 8 Deacon Blue
    June 11, 2009 at 10:16 am

    No argument from me there, suyog…


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Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

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