Archive for March 30th, 2009


Sex With a Ball and Chain

Yeah, I’m going to talk about some serious S&M stuff today, as you can tell from the headline.

Oh, wait, guess not.

glitter-lips1In actuality, I am going to talk about the marvels of married sex—at least as I see them. And to me, sex with my wife is anything but an idea of being bogged down in some routine. She is no “ball and chain.” She isn’t my “old lady.” She isn’t the “same cereal that I have to eat every day.”

I should note that this post was inspired by Big Man’s recent post at his blog, which not only put me in mind of sex with one’s spouse but reminded me how long it’s been since I addressed a sexual topic around here.

Now, like Big Man, I’m all for abstaining from sex until marriage. Not that I did it myself, nor will most folks, but I still advocate it. Also, my view on “abstaining” from sex is a bit more liberal than some, as evidenced by my Covering the Bases posts, part 1 and part 2.

But without going into what constitutes sex/fornication/etc. in this post, why do I think sex within marriage is so great? Am I a prude? Do I simply wish to deny others the fornication I enjoyed in life, however limited it may have been? Am I a hypocrite? Am I reverting to my Catholic roots?

None of the above. To put it simply, I think that sex with one’s spouse is the best sex one can experience.

Now, caveats must apply here, I admit. First, I haven’t had some vast sexual roster in my past—Deac’s “little black book” would have been more like a pamphlet. I have had very few sexual partners and the bulk of my premarital sex was with the future Mrs. Blue. Also, my observations are mostly from my own experience and a little bit from the experiences of some of my close friends.

Also, I hope it goes without saying that good sex with one’s spouse pretty much requires that there be a healthy relationship. Love. Mutual respect. Connection. Etc. Also, there are people who may not be legally wed who are, for all intents and purposes, a commited spousal pair—I’ve known and/or been related to more than a few people in such relationships. Just like I think it is possible for some people to be born again under Jesus and not even know it, I think it’s possible to be married without a pair of wedding bands. (But, I like the idea of people making it official, personally.)

With all those very broad caveats in mind, I will say that I think good married sex will beat good premarital sex in almost all cases.

I’m not saying that sex I had before marriage wasn’t good. But what I’m saying is that sex within the marital bed, or in the marital living room, or on top of the marital sewing table, or in the marital gazebo in the backyard during a sultry summer evening…mmmmm…um, where was I again? Oh, yeah, sex with one’s spouse, at least in my experience and limited research, involves far more than a physical coupling.

Far more than an emotional one, for that matter.

In sex with a spouse, I believe it is possible to connect with that person on a spiritual level. I believe that this kind of sex can sustain a pair of people and energize them and strengthen their relationship in ways that sex outside of a commited marital relationship cannot.

Not that I expect these insights to spawn some grand abstinence movement among the unmarried folks. But for those of you who do get a chance to compare the two, I wonder if you’ll find, as I do, that nothing beats sex with the “old ball and chain.”


Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

Jeff Bouley


Jeff Bouley

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March 2009

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