Pre-Father’s Day

So, tomorrow is Father’s Day. If my little girl wasn’t frequently mentioning that she and Mommy need to work on my secret gift, I’d probably not even realize it was coming.

That isn’t to say that I don’t think it’s a fine day. It’s a good excuse to call my own Dad, since he isn’t the most talkative sort and weekly or even once a month phone calls would probably be stretching our conversational material. Much better to interact with him in person, where long silences can be comfortable instead of awkward. I mean, silences on the phone have got to be the most awkward of all.

Also, it isn’t that I don’t like being appreciated myself as a father. I really do.

But I guess I just feel a little weird, and even guilty, at having a whole day that is supposed to be about me, simply because I have highly motile sperm (with the rapidity of which Mrs. Blue has conceived on the couple occasions we went off the birth control options, I could have myself a very old-school Catholic-sized family apparently…apparently, fertility is not one of the problems we face.)

I mean, I love when my wife recognizes me for good fathering (she also has been known to lambast me about some things, too, so don’t go sending me a “perfect father” trophy). I adore when Little Girl Blue tells me I’m a great daddy or when Son of Blue gives me his honest and loving admiration and respect, just because he feels moved to do so. Those things warm my heart. They are honest and can move me almost to tears sometimes.

But at the same time, I don’t feel like a fantastic provider right now because, frankly, I’m not. Career changes and economy have not been kind. So, when I think about all the things I couldn’t do for my wife on Mother’s Day…or her birthday…or Valentine’s Day…or our anniversary, I feel a strong sense of guilt that Mrs. Blue and Little Girl Blue are working so hard to give me things and bake me things and cook me things. (Son of Blue is away at a political science-style camp, so he’s not involved in all this.)

In the tradtion of Wayne and Garth from “Wayne’s World,” I just want to shout, “I’m not worthy!” Maybe I am, but I don’t feel like it. Not worthy enough for a day to be devoted to me.

Maybe that’s my own Dad in me. He never really cared that much to celebrate his birthday or Father’s Day or anything. He’s a humble guy, and that’s probably rubbed off on me.

Anyway, Happy Fathers’ Day, a day in advance, for all my fellow dads out there.

6 Responses to “Pre-Father’s Day”

  1. 1 LightWorker
    June 21, 2009 at 3:24 am

    If you wiped tears from the eyes of a child in pain,
    If you put Band-Aids, and a kiss on a scratch or a cut,
    If you sheltered her while you braved the rain,
    Then you’re a dad, and I won’t hear a “but!”

    If you played catch when you had tons of work to do,
    If you played horsey, although both knees severly ached,
    If you comforted him when dreams made monsters true,
    Then you’re the world’s best dad for goodness sake!

    Happy Father’s Day

    “A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” — Unknown

  2. June 21, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    Best wishes for a happy and peaceful day!

  3. 3 WNG
    June 21, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    It’s not about the moeny, but about the time. You know that, Deac. I hope you let them love you and bake and cook and have fun with you and just appreciate it all. Soak it in. This is sustenance for the hard times.

    Happy Father’s Day!

  4. 4 Deacon Blue
    June 21, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    Thanks to all of you. What I know logically is often hard for me to internalize. It’s hardest to convince myself I’m a good enough dad.

    And WNG…you’re still around! Haven’t seem much of you lately on the Internet. Hope all is well…

  5. June 22, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    Just think of it like salvation.

    You don’t deserve it, but you’ll take it anyway.

  6. 6 Deacon Blue
    June 23, 2009 at 12:01 am

    LOL…good advice, Big Man.

    Oh, and I know you probably couldn’t have missed that big honkin’ latest Cleansed By Fire post, and I know you saw part 53…but since I’ve been lax and I don’t know if you saw it, part 54 was a couple weeks ago…at: https://holyhell.wordpress.com/2009/06/04/cleansed-by-fire-part-54/

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Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

Jeff Bouley


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June 2009

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