13
Apr
11

Truths From John Kyl

You know, I’ve sort of gotten used to U.S. politicians, primarily the Republicans but especially the Tea Party folks, spouting out random, made-up, pulled-out-of-their-ass-with-no-regard-for-reality statements to support their arguments.

Need to discredit President Barack Obama’s citizenship and U.S. birth status? No problem. Do what Sarah Palin and Donald Trump have done and say that he’s paid more than $2 million in legal fees to fight calls to see his birth certificate (which he long ago produced by the way) so he must have something to hide. No reason to point out that he’s actually paid more than $2 million to a legal firm for all of his legal work related to his presidential campaign and just being president, of which spurious claims that he’s not a citizen are one small part of the pile (John McCain had to pay well over a million dollars in legal fees just to tidy up post-campaiging matters, and his campaign wasn’t as big as Obama’s).

Want to make sure you can squeeze out every last penny for military spending and making sure that the ultra rich and big corporations continue to get ever richer while the middle class is shredded to bits? Just say things like, “Planned Parenthood shouldn’t get any federal funding because more than 90% of what they do is abortions.”

Wait? What? No, really? You said that, Arizona Senator John Kyl?

No matter that only 3% of what they do is abortions and the rest are health issues like breast exams, pap smears, and STD testing, plus contraceptive-related services. What’s an 87-percentage-point difference among rabid, lying idealogues who will stop at nothing to get what they want?

So, yeah, while I thought I had seen it all, the GOP manages to decline even farther.

But you know, since we’re going that route anyway, how about I help John Kyl with his next set of talking points:

  • The government shouldn’t give any money at all to public radio because 90% of their funds are spent arming extremist Muslims in terrorist attacks on the United States
  • All funding of the arts by the federal government should cease because 90% of that art involves two men making out with each other while walking all over an American flag and pissing on a crucifix
  • Anyone with tan-colored skin (unless from a tanning booth or sunbathing) should be shipped across the border to Mexico without bothering to check their citizenship status because 90% of all Latinos in the country are guilty of illegal immigration (and it’s all Mexico’s fault)
  • All black males should be placed in prison once they reach the age of 16 because 90% of them will rape a white woman after kidnapping some white babies and selling crack to white schoolchildren right before cleaning the weapons they used to kill a bunch of upstanding white guys.

No need to thank me, Senator Kyl. Just helping you with more material you can use to advance your cause and then say afterward, “That wasn’t intended to be a factual statement.”

Oh, and senator, it takes a lot fewer words to say: “I was shamlessly lying.”

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4 Responses to “Truths From John Kyl”


  1. April 13, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    By the way, if you haven’t been following the #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement hashtag on Twitter, you should. Stephen Colbert started it rolling (and has some of the funniest tweets with it) and it’s great stuff. If ever a man deserved to be ridiculed like this, it’s John Kyl.

    You should also see Colbert’s
    http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/381282/april-11-2011/pap-smears-at-walgreens

    It’s about a a minute and 40 second in that the Kyl-bashing (and Fox Friends bashing) begins, and it’s hilarious

  2. 2 the word of me
    April 13, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    I thought John Kyl was stepping down this term.

  3. April 13, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Well, I’m sure he’ll still have talking points even if he does step down. He’ll just be sharing them as a commentator on Fox News or a guest on various shows and such.

  4. 4 the word of me
    April 13, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    🙂


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Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

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