19
Oct
11

Film: The Great Educator

I went on a Twitter rampage (compared to my usual posting rate) yesterday, beginning with rants against the extreme right-wing folks and then the extreme left-wing folks and then…as I finished watching the DVD “Priest” on my computer (so that I could get it back to library before I got fined for being late) I shifted suddenly and dramatically to sharing “movie wisdom.”

Now, after doing that, I am fully convinced (and will likely remain so for at least a few more days) that all the useful common-sense knowledge and keys to success that I need can be found in film. Especially action movies, cheesy horror and science fiction, and perhaps dark comedies, too.

Without further ado, let me share that wisdom, some of which is leftovers from yesterday’s tweeting (slightly reheated or freshened up with some new ingredients) and some new gems…or polished rocks…or just hunks of asphalt that broke off from the edge of the parking lot:

  • You know that you are entering into an area full of monsters and/or humans who are hostile to you. While I realize you need to search the area quickly, find supplies, look for clues and/or locate someone, I humbly suggest to you that this would NOT be a good time to split up and all go individually into different directions.
  • If a mysterious someone kidnaps your beloved, or a close relative or friend, and leaves a note, obvious clue or survivor to tip you off where to go hunting for them and your loved one…well, it’s a trap!
  • There are only four populations that you are allowed to completely exterminate without fear of retaliation by society or guilt to yourself: Nazis, vampires, zombies & invading extraterrestrials
  • In a dystopian future and/or apocalyptic wasteland, black clothing made of leather, latex and/or vinyl will always be in fashion. (Women are allowed to wear white versions for special occasions before Labor Day.)
  • The most evil and dangerous creatures will always grow inside and eventually spring out from really disgusting, slimy pods that are either all over the floor of the room/cave/whatever you must pass through, or are hanging from the ceiling above you, and probably all around you like sides of beef in a butcher’s freezer. You should avoid them. To be safe, avoid Brussels sprouts and other disgusting and potentially slimy ovoid vegetables, too.
  • Addendum to the above point: Evil creatures freshly hatched from slimy pods always—even though it makes no sense based on how things normally work in nature—come out with full strength, agility and awareness of their surroundings. (Bring along a person you don’t like and can shove in the way to buy yourself time.)
  • If the bullet has passed all the way through your body, it is considered the same as a flesh wound and you are required to keep on going. The only exceptions are if it passed through your heart and/or lungs—and even then you’re expected to try to keep going for the next five to 10 minutes.
  • When working with explosives, always bring a second detonator, as someone will always end up accidentally shooting or crushing the one you’re counting on
  • Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Exception is if you are a samurai. Or ninja. Or Vin Diesel’s “Riddick” character or someone like the warrior priests of “Priest.” In those cases, you are pretty much required to ONLY bring a knife (or a larger melee weapon bearing blades and/or spikes).
  • If you are supernaturally fast, agile and accurate, it is considered socially unacceptable to use firearms. Unless you’re in the Matrix.
  • Once you’ve knocked down your adversary (who is armed with a gun, while you are not), please remember to take his or her gun away afterward—before you get caught up in emotional bonding or witty repartee with your friends nearby. Also, it might be a good idea to use that gun to shoot said entity in head, whether human or not. Thank can me later…or the grandkids my advice made it possible for you to have can thank me.
  • Always keep a watch with you. Entirely too many protagonists lately have not been planning their attacks well and have allowed themselves to be caught in creature-infested areas just as the sun is going down.
  • It’s quite acceptable for drama queen to be kept alive through end of your quest, especially if he or she provides good comic relief. However, do NOT apply same standard to alien queen or vampire queen.
  • Always pay attention to your grooming. After all, as the movies teach us, it’s the attractive ones who will be rescued/survive/prosper…
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Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

Jeff Bouley

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Jeff Bouley

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