1…2…3…4…I Declare a…

I will never be president of the United States. Partly because I don’t want to, as the hours are too long, the work is way too hard for the pay involved, and I don’t need to age any faster than my 7-year-old daughter is already responsible for. However, mostly I won’t be president because I’d be completely unelectable. I’d be speaking my mind, swearing frequently at public appearances and telling frothing, right-wing pundits and annoyingly smarmy left-wing ones where to put their gonads for maximum hilarity and humiliation.

However, were I to somehow become president, I would make a very simple system for dealing with despotic, totalitarian rulers, knowing that it is very expensive to wage war and very wasteful. Also, nation building rarely works out well.

You, as the totalitarian ruler of your nation, will have one recourse to avoid me sending in drones or long-range missiles to vaporize whatever palace or bunker you hole up in: Engage me in a three-out-of-five thumb war. You will present yourself at the appointed time to the deck of one the United States’ proud aircraft carriers as it floats in international waters, where you and your entourage will be unarmed, while my entourage will be bristling with weapons.

If you defeat me in the thumb war, you can go your merry way back to your nation and the United States won’t personally harass you for the rest of my term in office. If you lose, you will abdicate immediately and head immediately for some country that is willing to harbor you; if you don’t, my people will riddle you with holes right then and there on the deck of the carrier.

I like to keep things simple.

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Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

Jeff Bouley


Jeff Bouley

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You can reach Deacon Blue/Jeff Bouley at deaconbluemail@gmail.com.



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Deac Tweets

  • I fail to see how the God that Jesus spoke of and emulated would smile at us dictating how people should live and taking what they have 4 hours ago
  • I fail to see how not imprisoning so many Black people or letting people marry within own gender or any of the like will degrade my life 4 hours ago
  • And while none of those groups has ever harmed me, I am told by so many that they are out to get me and to ruin my quality of life 4 hours ago
  • No Black, Latino, LGBTQ or Muslim has ever held me back in life or damaged my life. And probably only one or two women in my 47 years. 4 hours ago
  • Yet so many of us are willing to deny independence, autonomy and justice to those who are crying out for (and deserving of) it 4 hours ago


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