Posts Tagged ‘end of the world


An Open Letter to Potential Alien Invaders

Dear Extraterrestrial Denizen of Technologically Advanced Capabilities:

Motion pictures throughout my life (some 43 orbits now around our star, Sol) have taught me that when you pass through our solar system, there is a good chance you will stop off at Earth (also known as Terra and situated as the third planet out from Sol) and attempt to destroy us. Or at least conquer us. Or perhaps leave after taking many of our natural resources.

I don’t fault you for this on a philosophical basis, of course, as I live in  a nation that promotes wealth creation and consolidation by the few most powerful in our society. So, I understand subjugation and the quest to take from others for self-focused reasons.

All the same, I thought I should inform you of certain facts of which you might not be aware before you take the step of sending robotic troops, or covering our planet in nanotech machines that reshape it, or perhaps invading our bodies and taking them as your own:

Weather…or Not

The climate really leaves something to be desired these days. We’ve done so many things to change the course of rivers and the carbon levels in the air, just to name two, that it’s really hard to predict when we’re going to get nice days anymore. Plus, it’s increased the chances for various natural disasters. So, there really aren’t a lot of places left that are predictably and consistently nice. I suppose I won’t begrudge you taking over those few spots if you refrain from disintegrating or enslaving those of us in other locales.

Ergonomics…No Go

Look, our furniture isn’t going to fit you right, and none of our shit is going to be at all ergonomic for you. Oh, I’m sure you packed plenty of crap in those starships but certainly not enough to furnish an entire planet. Since our existing architectures and accouterments aren’t likely to work for you, maybe you should go someplace else. I hear that the fourth planet in the Rigel XII system is based on nothing but bean bag-style furnishing, which should meet the needs of any conquering race as long as it doesn’t have a spiky body. If you are spiky, you could consider settling into the various punk or Goth scenes, as you will fit in well with all the piercings and occasional mohawks.

Don’t Go There…At Least Not Without Plenty of Lube

Look, those gray-skinned, big-headed, wide-eyed, long-armed extraterrestrials who’ve been buzzing our planet for decades now are not to be trusted. They are trying to pull a practical joke on you. Our anuses are not nearly as fun to probe as you’ve likely been led to believe.

Resources…We Ain’t Got ‘Em

We’ve used up all our fossil fuels just about. It’s likely you aren’t in need of those if you’re traveling interstellar distances, but maybe you get high off petroleum. I don’t know. But we’re running way low, so don’t bother. Also, as far as radioactive material, we’ve used so much of it for nuclear missiles and reactors over the years…not to mention a whole buttload of glow-in-the-dark crap…that I doubt we can supply enough to meet more than a few years of your need. Find a somewhat less developed planet. Oh, water? Ha! You need water? We’ve polluted so much of ours that you’re shit out of luck. We’ve even done a good job of fouling the oceans that cover most of our planet. And if you’re thinking of just grabbing what little clean water remains and going, that’s not gonna work well, now is it? You know how heavy that stuff gets. You’ll never make it out of our gravity well, and then you’ll crash and be stuck here on beaches with a bunch of fat-assed humans in too-small swimming suits on beaches that are a whole lot bigger and less interesting thanks to you trying to make off with the H20.

To Serve Man…With a Side of Mashed Grutilsnark

Finally, maybe you want to come here to eat us. Think again. Look, many of us are in famine-starved areas and thus really tough and stringy. In more developed nations, there are plenty of fattened-up humans, but you should see the things they put in their bodies. Most of us well-fed ones must be pretty toxic. If you’d seen some of the places most of us have been, you’d never want to put us in your mouth…or maw…or suck us through you proboscis or whatever. However, I am told that there is a large group of really juicy humans if you want a treat before you leave. They’re called politicians and lobbyists and most of them can be found in Washington, D.C. Trust me.


Post-Rapture Wrap-Up

So, as you might have all assumed, May 21 passed and the followers of Harold Camping turned out to be wrong that the Rapture was coming that day.

Well, you’d be wrong!

Hah! I’m in Heaven right now tweeting while Jesus checks out some movies on Netflix, and I’m thumbing my nose at you because the Apocalypse is soon to start. And I bet you haven’t seen much of Kirk Cameron, either! He’s right here next to me, talking to God about how wonderful bananas are (bananas being the “atheist’s nightmare”)!

OK, yeah, you caught me lying.

I wasn’t raptured, and now for that lie and for making fun of Kirk Cameron, I never will be. *SadProgressiveChristianPanda*

I’m still really busy in life, mostly re-engaging with Mrs. Blue in some most amazing ways and also with Little Girl Blue in very different but also amazing ways. So, I don’t have any huge thought-provoking posts in me. And so, while I realize that the whole “ridicule the rapture” thing from last week is probably already at the “jumping the shark” stage, I’m going to be lazy and leave you with a series of some of my Rapture-related tweets over the past few days about the whole Rapture Debacle, in chronological order from oldest to newest:

I’ll probably only be raptured if I cancel my Saturday plans & stay home to repent nonstop

Don’t worry, there’s no cellulite in Heaven (which is good, considering there are apparently no clothes, either)

Dear Rapture Predictors: IF there is going to be an actual Rapture (& it’s not simply symbolism in Bible), you will NOT have advance warning

Rapture called off, everyone!…back to your regularly scheduled human failings, foibles and outright deviancy…

At roughly 1:40 a.m. EST on 5/21/2011, I experienced rapture, but I don’t think it was the kind the twenty-firsters were predicting.

Special today at Starbucks until 6 pm PST: The fraptureccino !

Understand, of course, the fraptureccino isn’t for everyone: coffee, mocha cream base, caramel syrup, blood, wormwood, small bits o brimstone

Unless media has finally tracked him down, I’m assuming Camping, given his silence, has been raptured to Barbados with flock’s $$$

Now that the rapture is old news I wanna move on to next order of business: Our new reptilian overlords, soon to arrive from Alpha Centauri

The only post-Rapture wrap-up I care to pass along (wish I’d written it)


Rushing God

We don’t like to wait on God. Not one little bit.

We bitch and moan that if God were truly loving (or if He really existed at all), He wouldn’t make us wait for things like prosperity, peace, justice, love or anything else.

I’ve always put it down to a “me first” attitude of hypocrisy. That is, what I want is so clearly more important than what you want (or God wants), so God should be meeting my needs and wants first. It’s all selfishness because, let’s face it, if everyone got what they wanted, you’d have people with competing and frankly incompatible desires both getting what they want. That could be impossible in some cases, and damaging in many others.

But it never worried me much, this attitude of trying to rush God. To browbeat and beg and push for Him to give us what we want faster.

At least not until I started getting a better sense of churches, like one that Sarah Palin either still does, or recently did, attend. No, I’m not out to bash the great moosehunting savior of humanity with the naughty librarian look (Ooops, guess I did bash a little there); it’s just that her associations with such folks have brought up a whole End Times Christian subculture to which I had previously pretty ignorant of.

These are people who seem to consider it their duty to push along events so that the End Times (the Rapture, Apocalypse, Armageddon, the Millennial Kingdom, and all that) will come sooner. They seem to think that whatever they do is OK as long as it makes the End Times come quicker.

This stuns me.

The sheer arrogance that they won’t wait on God’s timetable but instead see themselves as soldiers to move events along, is staggering.

Why would Christians want to have a hand in all the vileness that comes about with the End Times? Why would we want to have any culpability in that? Why would be want to have our hands in affairs that are supposed to be perpetuated by the enemies of God and Christ?

And furthermore, why the hell can’t we just wait?

God clearly has things well in hand. He doesn’t need our help. We have a duty already, and that is to spread the Gospel. Not to accelerate the timetable toward the end of the world. Frankly, to be working to speed up the path toward the End Times is actually counter to the Great Commission. We are supposed to reach as many people as we can with the good news of the Gospel so that more people can come to Jesus.

To make the End Times come faster means you would purposefully be working toward reducing the chances of people to be saved.

This is so against the Word of God that it’s one of the few things I can truly say I think is outright heresy. These people are heretics. In fact, they may even be committing the one unforgivable sin, which is sinning against the Holy Spirit. Because what they are doing is seeking damnation for millions (really, billions)  and they are telling God: “You aren’t moving fast enough.”

This is a kind of hubris I cannot even wrap my brain around.

God help these people. God help us, too, and preserve us from these people.

UPDATE 10/13/2008:

Kellybelle made note of this blog post in one of her own; wanted to provide a link to hers since it expands on my thoughts nicely, as well as giving a nice quick overview of Religulous, which I’ve mentioned a few times recently around here. Click here to get to Kellybelle’s post.

Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

Jeff Bouley


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