Posts Tagged ‘fetish


Porn in Perspective

So, I know I teased you all recently (pun intended) that those among you interested in seeing my erotica-writing side might get a little peek at my skills without me giving up my super-secret, more kink-oriented venue under NAME REDACTED. I’m still going to do that, but haven’t quite worked out the best logistics under which to do that (though a story is already written).

In the meantime, do you want to know how I feel about porn?

Well, I’ve mentioned it from time to time around here at the blog (most famously here and here, and some of my views religiously/scripturally have changed since then, but my basic thrust *wink* is the same), but now I’ve also done a guest post about porn and attitudes about it (mostly my own) at Adventures in Estrogen, a blog by one of my Twitter pals Lady Estrogen.

I don’t go into any gory details or reveal any of my own kink areas in it, so it should be relatively safe even for relatives and others who know me in real life to read. Still, you may not want to know why I think there are good things about porn, and so it’s up to you whether to go read it, though I’d love for you to visit Lady Estrogen even if you don’t want to read my piece. And it is…

Porn Is Great & Porn Is Good…Sorta


You Are Here…Just Don’t Tell Anyone

sex-map-partialSo, as I mentioned a couple weeks back, I’m participating in this Blog Off “post every day in November” challenge (click on the link above and you can see some of the others who are doing the same…I think most or all are Christian bloggers). This week, I’m supposed to post at least once on a topic related to sexuality.

Well, twist my arm, huh? You know how shy I am about talking sex.

I’ve had a couple interesting somethings hanging around in my image file and thought I’d share them and share a couple thoughts about them (probably won’t be much religion, if any, in today’s post; just letting you know). Both of them are maps of human sexuality. Honest to God maps, people. I’m not talking about a chart or table that “maps” sexual trends. They are an attempt to graphically represent both the wide range of sexuality among humans, as well as to categorize various interests, kinks and fetishes into groups of similarity, with the imagery of a map.

It’s an interesting exercise. And they are pretty educational if you’re in the mind to learn about what kinks exist that you never imagined could exist. The maps are pretty big (particularly the second one), so I’ve only got thumbnails below. Feel free to either click on the image itself or on the words to the right of it to pull each one up into its own window.

fetishmapbig  Fetish Map as Public Transportation

 sexmap  Your Sexuality Portrayed as a Nation

First, I will say that there are a few stops along the route I’d like to get off on…I mean get off at…er, ah, never mind (in the first map) and a few countries I’d really like to spend a few weeks in (in the second map). I won’t tell you which ones, but I will assure you that none of them involve anything particularly nauseating or horrifying.

Second, while I find the maps interesting and even edifying, I have to say that they also point to the prejudices individuals have about certain sex acts and sexually oriented behaviors.

The “transit map” style one focuses on fetishes/kinks alone, and not really in the context of more vanilla-style sex (at least not any plain stuff in there that I see). It keeps it more focused, but it would have been interesting to know where the more banal, perhaps “suburban”, train stops are.

Now for the huge-ass, nation/island oriented map, which tries to encompass just about everything one could imagine in human sexuality, and not simply fetishes. In fact, it even addresses some psychology in there, with things like the Strait of Self Loathing. You will note that there are some extreme things located beyond a mountain range in the north called the Impassable Reaches. Of course, there are some other pretty nasty and taboo things farther south, too, some of them sequestered on islands and others mixed in with more normal stuff.

So, I get that the idea is to categorize more than to judge. That is, just because something is south of the Impassable Reaches, that doesn’t mean you should do it. But still, I am struck by the fact that spitting is in the realm beyond the Impassable Reaches.


Are we really that uptight?

Look, I guess the idea is that it is being grouped near other things that involve bodily emissions. But I don’t see semen or womanly fluids up there. Those are all in other areas down below (pun may or may not be intended). And how felching (not something I would engage in myself, I should note) ends up in the Impassable Regions while creampies and rimming do not (and they shouldn’t be moved there, either, mind you), I just don’t understand.

But back to the saliva. I mean, really, folks. I get that in public, we would consider spitting on someone rude, but if you want to play with spit in any way, shape or form in the bedroom, that’s hardly “Impassable Reaches” territory. C’mon, just what do you think you’re swapping when you French kiss, anyway?

And frankly, I think golden showers (again, not my thing, let me be clear) are no worse than some of the extreme stuff farther south. At worst, I figure it should be just on the other side of the Impassable Reaches, across from the nastier and unhealthier stuff.

But I don’t draw the maps. I just travel to the places I can afford to get to and feel safe visiting.


F Is for Fetish, Take Two

OK, going out on a limb here possibly. When I posted the first “F Is for Fetish” post back in late May, it lasted less than a day before I pulled it off because there was something about it that rubbed Mrs. Blue wrong. Still not sure what it was, and not sure she does either, but I trust her instincts. It’s funny though; I would have figured that if anyone in this house would have been disturbed by that post it would have been my 16-year-old son. I mean, most teens are horrified that their parental units even have sex, much less learn how much we know about special kinds of sex at our advanced ages. Yet he had no problem with it (having read the post before I managed to take it down). Go figure.

So, I’m going to take a different and less detailed tack with the topic this time, and perhaps a more useful one. First, let’s get terminology out of the way. A fetish is, generally speaking, getting sexually aroused by something that isn’t in and of itself sexual. For a select and very small percentage of the population, they need their fetish to conclude the deal in the bedroom (or bathroom or living room or boardroom or storeroom or wherever). For most people, though, it’s just a little something extra that makes things more worthwhile or special when the spouse (or other sexual partner) is willing to indulge the kinky desire.

What does this mean for the Christian married couple (or for the fornicating non-Christians and unmarried Christians who come here because I don’t give them a ration of shit over their sexual sins, since that would be to invite a ration of shit over things like my desire to lie to people I don’t want to deal with on the phone)? What it means is that we need to be educated.

I’m not advocating that every Christian turn into an Internet porn addict. But a little surfing on the Internet seas of kink might not hurt. Make sure your virus, adware, spyware and spam protection are up to date and do some searching on kinks. Believe me, from the printed word to the photos, there is plenty out there to find, and a lot of the pictures (or at least the thumbnails) are free. No need to get out your credit cards and put money into the pockets of folks when you might wonder if they’re taking advantage of women (or men) or otherwise being fiendishly nasty human beings.

I suggest this because I don’t think it’s good to go into your sexual life (or continue it) in ignorance. Strangely enough, Penthouse and Hustler, while they are nasty misogynist publications in many respects, kept me out of a lot of sexual trouble as a teen, and by filtering out the bullshit and overreachingly sexist parts, I actually learned a lot about what I should do to make women happy in bed (long before I ever ended up with one in bed). When it comes to learning about kinks and fetishes specifically though, the reason I think it’s good to know what’s out there (and there’s quite a wide range of it I might add) is that it would not be good to end up in bed with your spouse, either right after a wedding or years into the marriage, and have them finally work up the nerve to tell you they really, really like something you might just find a little weird…

…and then you freak out. “Oh my God! I couldn’t imagine anyone would find that sexy!” That’s not healthy for a relationship.

Fetishes are a lot more common than you think. I daresay that the majority of people have something that they find sexy or arousing that isn’t “vanilla”-themed and isn’t traditionally considered something you would sexualize. Some of these kinks may not be at the really weird end of the spectrum; you know, it might be something “common” like having a predilection for your partner wearing leather accouterments or something, but even if they aren’t really super freaky, they can still be jarring to a person if that other person without the kink has lived a sheltered sexual existence or thinks that missionary style with the lights off is the be-all and end-all of sexual activity.

Fetishes and kinks are quite franky integral parts of the sexual makeup of a lot of people, whether a major part or just something that crops up from time to time. I would not want to have anyone out there be blindsided. I would rather you bone up on the subject (pun entirely intended) and get a grounding on the wide world of fetishes, rather than have you blow a gasket when you find out that you have someone in bed with you whose kinks are much different than yours and perhaps a bit harder to accommodate.

Because while you may not be able to satisfy every kink in the world (you’d have to be a real freaky-deaky sex addict to pull that off), it would at least be nice if you could not be horrified when your partner tells you about it. That way, even if you have to say “no,” at least you can do so kindly, explain why, and try to find something else you will do and might like to do that will add some zing and take away some of the sting the other person might be feeling.


Whips and Chains and Gags…Oh My!

The time has rolled around again to talk about sex. Y’all know how hard it is to get me talking about the topic because I’m such a straight-laced guy and all. And I was going to be a good boy, this week, really, but Sister Mary Malcontent over there on the left, who made her debut appearance on my Porn Again Threat Assessment post (Her image was quite popular to click on for many days after I posted…you bunch of pervs), had informed me that I need to address one of the more popular areas of kink this week—and explain how it does, or doesn’t, fit in with a Christian outlook. And I certainly don’t want to cross the bad sister, because if I end up over her knee, I’ll have a lot of explaining to do to Mrs. Blue.

I’ll add a little disclaimer here: Everything I’m talking about here applies to married Christians. I’ll refer you to my post Between the Sheets from February for how I see the fornication vs. married sex issue. So, one of the more popular semi-mainstream kinks (if any kinky stuff can be considered mainstream) is the whole BDSM thing. For those of you with sheltered upbringing, that’s bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. BDSM sounds nicer though, and rolls off the tongue better.

Leather/PVC/latex outfits are nothing new. Hell, one of Britney Spears’ biggest videos in her pre-breakdown pop career had her in a skintight red rubber bodysuit, and Madonna, Janet Jackson and others have donned such elegant apparel themselves more than once. Whips and handcuffs and riding crops and high-heeled boots are nothing new. A trip past the front window of any sex toy/adult novelty shop will show you that. Gagging or tying up someone to the bedposts is pretty old-school too.

But the BDSM thing goes beyond mere posing and props. Some people really get off on being tied up or being humiliated or getting into a submissive-dominant thing or getting their asses spanked or whatever. BDSM covers a broad swath of sexual interests that are loosely bound to each other. The question is, can you be into one or more aspects of BDSM and still be OK, sex-wise, within the strictures of the Christian faith? Does the “pretty much anything goes” in the marriage bed philosophy I discussed in “Between the Sheets” apply here as well?

Well, if you’re into it, crack that whip, I say!

But let’s not crack it too hard.

C’mon, you had to know that if I called out this area of sex specifically, I would have some caveats. I’m not handing y’all a blank check on kink. But mostly, you’re OK. As with so many things in the faith walk, though, you have to make sure you don’t take things too far. Here are a few of my thoughts on various specific areas of BDSM…

No pain, no gain?

OK, first, the S&M subset. The people who like to get hurt and deal out the hurt. This is the most obviously questionable area, as full-out masochism is a pathological issue and so is true sadism. If you are really into being hurt or hurting someone else, I don’t really know that having love between you is enough of a buffer or enough of a justification. “But,” you retort, “the Bible says a spouse should treat the other spouse with the same mental and physical respect you reserve for yourself. So it should be OK.”

Is it really? Are you truly willing to endure the same kind of pain you deal out? And even if you really are a “switch” couple, where each spouse is equally eager to play the sadism or masochism role, we must remember that moderation is key. Alcohol is a good analogy here. God doesn’t deny us the ability to enjoy it, but we are urged to avoid getting drunk. A few smacks with a riding crop that leave some minor welts and do no real harm…well, OK. But if you’re drawing real blood and leaving scars, not so sure about that. If you’re into the kind of hurt that can really injure someone, physically or psychologically, you’ve gone too far. You aren’t respecting your spouse or you aren’t respecting yourself—or both.

I’m a bit tied up just now

B&D, aka bondage and discipline, is the gentler cousin to S&M. First, for the B-word: I don’t particularly see anything wrong with getting tied up. Have I done it myself? Well, as with any kink I’m likely to talk about around here, you don’t need to know—and my teenaged son, who reads this blog, almost certainly doesn’t want to know. It’s traumatic enough for him to know someone of my middle age is even still having sex. Bondage is certainly a nice change of pace for a lot of couples. The idea of one person being in control of the situation and the other passively receiving adds a certain spice. Just be wise about things. Don’t leave someone tied up and alone, especially if you’re doing something extra special like using gags, because having your spouse choke to death while handcuffed to the bed is going to be a hard one to explain to the family.

As for the D-word? Yeesh, if I gave a pass to some light whipping as I did with the S&M stuff, certainly you don’t think I’m going to slam a little spanking or having your spouse lick your boot or something? Except…

Who’s in charge here?

Here’s the “but” for the discipline thing, which segues into the topic of submission and dominance, an area for which I have a cautionary note. I do believe that the husband is the spiritual head of household. And that being the case, couples need to be careful that the husband is not ceding too much power to the wife. If the husband is a lifestyle submissive—that is, he is almost always subservient to the wife in all things, sexual or otherwise, we have a problem, folks.

That being said, I’m not that keen on wives being sex slaves, either. Yes, I believe the man is spiritual head of household and the ultimate authority, but marriage should ultimately be a partnership. Men don’t rule over their wives. They may have the final say, but to be a tyrant or even just to overuse the “veto power” in the family is just idiotic. And disrespectful. And a nice way to undermine any real love and depth in the marriage.

So, in submissive-dominant roleplaying, keep it in the bedroom and make sure it’s the fun exception to your life, not the rule.

That should about cover the sexual itch of my readers and lure a few people here under the assumption that they might have seen pictures of naked, sweaty fetish sex by now. (Sorry, not gonna happen. I do have some standards.)

Now, pardon me while I figure out how to remove the ball gag Sister Mary Malcontent put on me to keep me focused on typing. That’s better…Oh, there’s the wife. Really, honey, the bad sister and I have a purely professional relationship…No, not that kind of professional relationship! Ow!

(Just a little teaser for y’all: We’ll have a guest blog post soon from one of my favorite bloggers, Big Man of Raving Black Lunatic…just as soon as we overcome the communication problems that are preventing his text from arriving in my inbox. And for another point of view on bondage and Christians over at Sex in Christ, click here….it’s interesting reading even if I don’t agree 100% with all the thoughts.)

Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

Jeff Bouley


Jeff Bouley

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June 2023

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