Posts Tagged ‘intimacy

30
Nov
11

Porn in Perspective

So, I know I teased you all recently (pun intended) that those among you interested in seeing my erotica-writing side might get a little peek at my skills without me giving up my super-secret, more kink-oriented venue under NAME REDACTED. I’m still going to do that, but haven’t quite worked out the best logistics under which to do that (though a story is already written).

In the meantime, do you want to know how I feel about porn?

Well, I’ve mentioned it from time to time around here at the blog (most famously here and here, and some of my views religiously/scripturally have changed since then, but my basic thrust *wink* is the same), but now I’ve also done a guest post about porn and attitudes about it (mostly my own) at Adventures in Estrogen, a blog by one of my Twitter pals Lady Estrogen.

I don’t go into any gory details or reveal any of my own kink areas in it, so it should be relatively safe even for relatives and others who know me in real life to read. Still, you may not want to know why I think there are good things about porn, and so it’s up to you whether to go read it, though I’d love for you to visit Lady Estrogen even if you don’t want to read my piece. And it is…

Porn Is Great & Porn Is Good…Sorta

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16
Jan
09

Love Lessons by Miz Pink

pinklips-candySo…ahem…it was just like what…a few days ago that Deke and I posted on the topic of sex and I mentioned how it was an important glue to hold the marriage together. Mmmmmm well next time maybe I shouldn’t speak until my own affair are in order. It’s all good now I think but I spoke with authority while in the midst of my own problems. Or maybe it was just Satan getting a jab in at me. I don’t know.

You see last week a certain issue came up between me and Sir Pink and for the sake of protecting identities I won’t say whose problem was who’s. Let’s just say Spouse A and Spouse B and leave the genders out of it okay?

Last week Spouse A expressed a concern about something that was lacking in the sex department. Spouse A did so in the form of a letter and expressed desire to talk about it more spouse to spouse. Week didn’t go well and times and moods weren’t right for that and so the issue was tabled until this week.

A couple days ago Spouse A wanted to talk about it. Spouse B agreed with some reluctance. It still wasn’t a especially good week. Discussion became at points a quasi argument but Spouse B suggested an idea that Spouse A agreed was worth a try.

Next day Spouse A tried to broach subject again so that the two spouses could figure out the ground rules for the suggested idea. Spouse A suggested (unfortunately at the end of the day when Spouse B was in need of down time after a hard day) talking the next day. Spouse B said, “Why not now?” and Spouse A began discussion. Discussion turned bad. Feelings were hurt. Word were yelled. Feet were stomped. Teeth were gnashed. Wailing was heard. In short, discussion became argument. Ultimately a truce was declared and both parties agreed to put anger aside so that cuddling could take place at bedtime.

Following morning, Spouse A and Spouse B resumed discussions. Discussion didn’t become argument but feelings continued to be hurt (mostly Spouse A’s but really both of them got hit hard). Deeper problems were unearthed. Both spouses decided that there had been failings in terms of intimacy going way back. Also, Spouse A may have done (or failed) to do certain things that may not have helped intimacy be what it could have been. Spouses agree to cuddle later in the day, since both will be home early and before kids are around.

Before cuddling commences, Spouse B throws Spouse A a special bone intimacy wise.

Soon thereafter, Spouse A pampers Spouse B a bit.

Spouse A and Spouse B go upstairs to cuddle. Cuddling turns to making up.

I think I can stop there.

I guess what it comes down to is that my own house was in disorder. As a couple we just didn’t have our sexual life where it should be. We had different wants and needs in certain respects and different perspectives (Mars and Venus, anyone?) and we weren’t respecting each other enough in those respects.

Know what I mean?

But in the end despite how rough it was to get to the end we both realized there was not only an problem right in our face but other things we needed to take care of long term for the sake of remaining married (been down the divorce path once and don’t want to take it again) and more important remaining happy married couple.

It was all about sex. And interestingly enough sex was both the problem and the solution. And yet it also wasn’t about sex.

Sex isn’t just relationship glue appareently its also a puzzle wrapped inside a mystery and stuffed inside a riddle that’s decorated with enigma.

17
Dec
08

Gimme Some Lovin’

the_kissSo, I have nothing much on my mind today. I will be posting another installment of my novel soon, possibly tomorrow, but no deep thoughts right now. But I will say this: My brother-in-blogging Big Man had a nice post that generated some good comments recently, about sex/intimacy/relationships. Check it out by clicking here.

I not only say that to drive him some traffic (for those of you who don’t already frequent both of our blogs) but also because I took some of my own advice that I doled out in the comments section.

I made a point of grooming more than just at the basic level. I sprayed some “smell goods” on myself, I even dressed in a button down shirt and tie one day, even though I work at home and my wife does half of her work at home. I have made a pointed effort to walk downstairs to kiss her for no particular reason and just tell her how much I love and desire her.

It’s been a pretty good week so far.

I’m not saying Mrs. Blue and I have had some kind of earth-shattering encounter as a result of this, but we’ve had some intimate moments that went beyond the chaste. More to the point, though, I’ve felt much closer to her in general, and I think she’d say the same. Even if she has been teasing me to stop kissing her neck and get back to work.

In our busy lives, we can fool ourselves into thinking we’re too busy to make time for the person we love. It’s important not to do that, though.

Not just because we want to remind them how much we love them.

But also because we need to remind them why they love us.

11
Jun
08

Sex as a weapon

I wonder how many couples out there are engaging in a kind of sexual assault on a regular basis and don’t even realize it? I don’t mean that they’re physically forcing the other spouse to have sex and possibly using (or threatening to use) violence as part of that—though I know there are a few too many folks, most of them men, who do that and wouldn’t think of it as abuse as long as they’re married to the victim. What I’m talking about is more subtle, but still insidious. Less violent, but still damaging.

To get a sense of where I’m going with this, let’s run with the term sexual assault and take out the word sexual for a moment. Assault can be verbal or physical, and can be illegal either way. Is calling someone a racial or sexual epithet assault? Sure. Is it as bad as threatening their life or physical health? No, but that still doesn’t make it right. Is shoving someone who really hasn’t done anything serious to you assault? Yes, and the fact that you didn’t draw blood or break a nose or kill a person doing it doesn’t make it morally defensible.

So, sexual assault—and the more intimate, serial and individual-focused version known as sexual abuse—don’t have to be something dramatic like throwing a person down to the ground and pinning them so that you can invade their bodies. But before I go on, let me quote a couple pieces of scripture that I’ve mentioned before in my various posts about sexual relations between couples.

Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time… First Corinthians chapter 7, verses 3-5

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church. Ephesians chapter 5, verses 28 and 29

We must remember that as in so many things with God, extremism at either end of the spectrum really pisses Him off.

We cannot be demanding of our partner all the sex we want whenever we want at whatever cost. At the same time, we cannot be withholding sex for no good reason. Sex is, primarily, not an activity for making babies but for building intimacy between couples. That is why it feels so damn good when you do it right and sometimes even when you aren’t performing so well. Sex is something that is supposed to be a constant in marriage (no, not every day kind of constant—unless of course that’s what you both want and you’re in good enough shape for it). Even if you’re the kind of couple who wants as many kids as God will give you and you shun birth control, the woman is still going to have a nine-month period every year or so during which the sex is just for keeping you as emotionally connected as you can be. And sex isn’t supposed to just go away when you get too old to have kids anymore.

So, to turn sex into a weapon in a relationship is a terribly screwed up thing to do. Yet many couples, either both members of the couple or just one of them, often do use sex as a weapon against the other, and think nothing of it. They don’t appreciate the fact that they are assualting and abusing the person that they supposedly love so much.

To harangue your husband or wife into having sex by saying, “You’d do it if you really loved me” or “If I can’t get what I want here, I’ll find someone who will give it to me” or anything like that is a form of sexual assault. It’s an emotional attack. It’s guilting someone into doing something they don’t feel like doing right now. It’s wrong.

Or consider the spouse who says, “You won’t get anything until you do this or that.” Withholding sex for some petty reason or personal gain or selfish desire in many cases. That, again, is using sex against your partner; using it as a weapon.

How about the spouse who says, “Honey, there’s something I’ve always wanted to try, and I was wondering…” or “I’ve never wanted to tell you that such-and-such turns me on because I didn’t want you to think I was weird” and, instead of getting a supportive ear and at least a consideration of validating the surprise desire—the other spouse goes in for the kill. Instead of being open and loving, the spouse tell his or her partner “You’re sick” or “I’ll never do that” or “I don’t think I can ever be with you again after hearing that” or laughs the partner to scorn. I mean, considering the wide array of kinks and fetishes out there, only a very, very few rank as so heinous that a person needs professional help. And even then, the spouse should be willing to urge the spouse toward help with love and a desire to curb those feeling and not start out of the gates with revulsion and rejection.

That isn’t to say that a spouse doesn’t have the right to “have a headache” sometimes. Typically, “no” means no, and that includes the marriage bed. Being married doesn’t let you off the hook for respecting the other person’s body and emotions. So, when our spouses say, “Not tonight,” we need to respect that, as long as it doesn’t become an unhealthy habit—and even if it becomes an unhealthy habit, we don’t get to just take what we want. We cannot expect that our spouse is always an open vessel or ready tool for our pleasure. And if there is a habit of constantly withholding or constantly demanding, perhaps it’s time to assess whether the two of you really should be together.

Guns, swords, closed fists, knives, clubs and the like are obvious weapons. But a beautiful little pedestal-top statue or tchachke-esque snowglobe on the shelf can be injurious or even deadly too, swung with enough force toward a vulnerable part of the body.

Get the picture? Rape is obvious sexual assault. But demanding or withholding sex in “nonviolent” ways can be dangerous too, when done at the wrong time or for the wrong reasons or done so often that you psychologically injure or emotionally kill your other half in the relationship.

It’s kind of like that “Guns don’t kill people; people kill people” thing. Sometimes, our bodies can be the loaded weapon in a relationship. Use them right, please.




Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

Jeff Bouley

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Jeff Bouley

To find out more about me professionally, click here. To find out more about me generally, click here.

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You can reach Deacon Blue/Jeff Bouley at deaconbluemail@gmail.com.

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