Posts Tagged ‘married sex


The F-Word, Part 2

So, having gotten things started with The F-Word Prologue and The F-Word, Part 1, where are we now? Oh, yeah.

What can you do? What should you do? Why does God give a crap?

Let’s start with that last one.

I can’t speak for God, obviously, but here’s the thing: Sex—and I’m talking full-on sweaty penetration-oriented penis/vagina sex, preferably with lots of fun foreplay beforehand—is serious. Yeah, it’s fun. It’s pleasurable. But it’s also serious.

This is, first and foremost, an act that has the capability of creating someone who can potentially become a child of God; the ability to create a living, breathing, thinking, feeling, spirit-filled human. But aside from that, it is an act that can connect two people like nothing else can.

I can only speak from my own experience, but when I have sex with my wife, I don’t just have fun and get to blast off at some point. I become one being with my wife. At a certain point, there is no beginning or end to us; just a circle of being. There are lots of kinds of sexual contact we engage in, some of which I actually enjoy more from a physical gratification standpoint, but it is traditional sexual intercourse—where I enter my wife and she surrounds me (and not just physically)—that is a spiritual event. We stay together mostly because we connect intellectually, verbally, emotionally and in other non-sexual ways. But when we start drifting apart, nothing heals the growing rift like sex does. It jumpstarts us. It glues us back together.

Now, if Mrs. Blue kills me for sharing that, so be it. But it is important for me to say because it underscores to me that sexual intercourse is not simply physical, not even physical/emotional—but spiritual as well. I think God considers it a waste and an insult to perform that act with someone to whom you are not absolutely and completely committed. You might as well be pouring diamonds down a sewer or champagne down a pig’s throat.

Now, I say this from a position of experience. Mrs. Blue is the only woman I’ve really ever had sex with (there was only one other woman before her with whom I tried to have sex, and the less said about that encounter, the better for my self-esteem), and obviously, I married her. True, I fornicated with her for a while before that point. And that was, truly, sinful behavior. The fact I married her doesn’t erase the fact that I fornicated with her first, and used full-on sex for gratification and not spiritual connection as well. That said, there was certainly a point at which in our relationship I was not longer simply fornicating but connecting with the woman I was already married to in spirit. But that was a small portion—and a late portion—in our premarital period.

Truth be told, I kind of regret not having waited longer to have sex with Mrs. Blue. I feel like I squandered something for nearly two years and that I let God and myself down.

Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t have had sexual contact before going down the aisle and heading for our honeymoon. To be honest, in a day and age when marriages are no longer arranged for us, I think it is impractical and even dangerous to know nothing about how to please your partner. I just don’t think you should go all the way, at least not for a good long time. And I realize that to suggest that is silly, because 95% of people or more will have sex before marriage and the few that don’t probably weren’t inclined to do so anyway, even before I opened my big mouth about this.

So what am I saying is “acceptable,” or at least what seems to me to be acceptable for premarital nookie? Well, some of you may recall my Covering the Bases posts in May (click here for part 1 and click here for part 2). I suspect my thoughts there will give you a good idea of where I’m going with this. The closer you become and the closer you get to being engaged, the farther I think you should go.

In my ideal worldview, here is what you should do when you’re dating: Try to stay on “first base” as long as you can hold out. Which, frankly, probably won’t be very long. From there, move on to “second base” for a while and try to hold out as long as you can there. I mean, folks, if you’re serious about someone and not just screwing around, the more time you spend getting to know that person and stoking the fires, the better. Most of us are weak, but I would like to think that we can be stronger; I just wish I had been. When second base can no longer hold you over, move on to “third base.” Folks, there is an awful lot of fun to be had on third base. Seriously. We should be content to sit our asses there for a while in relationships.

About the time the two of you are seriously considering that you are a match for marriage, you ought to get engaged. Once you’re engaged, as far as I’m concerned, it’s probably time to stop worrying about whether it’s a sin to go to home plate. Yeah, if you can hold out until the honeymoon, great, but at this point in the game, if you’re truly serious and truly committed and truly in prayer about it all, you might as well make sure y’all know what you’re doing before you exchange rings.

Again, just my humble opinion. God may very well disagree with me on this. But the way society works these days and the way relationships go, it probably isn’t a great idea to surprise each other on the wedding night, because some surprises aren’t pleasant.


The F-Word, Part 1

Well, I got things rolling with The F-Word Prologue; now let’s get down to brass balls….er, brass tacks.

Because fornication is a popular sport worldwide, and curious minds want to know where I stand (or lie, as the case may be, preferably on silk sheets) on the issue of getting naked and sweaty with someone to whom you aren’t married.

Before I really get into fornication in depth (and who doesn’t like to go deep when it comes to fornication?), we need to establish what it is at its most basic.

I would assume people know, but just in case:

for·ni·ca·tion | Pronunciation: fȯr-nə-ˈkā-shən | Function: noun | Date: 14th century | Definition: consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other

OK, so that fornication thing that the Bible is so down about is sex without benefit of being in wedded bliss. It is distinguished from adultery, which is sex with someone you’re not married to, but when one or both of you are married to someone else. So, you know, if you’re single you can go for the double play and have sex with someone who’s married and wallow in a couple sins.

Uh, oh. We already have a problem. Because now I have to start by addressing just what the hell constitutes marriage these days—and yes, we do have to frame this according to the modern day because things are far more complex socially than in the really old days from centuries or millennia ago. Hell, they’re way more complicated than they were in the 1950s.

Because, if we don’t have a handle on what marriage is, we’re already in trouble. And it isn’t as easy as saying, “If you had a wedding, you’re married.” That’s legal. That’s a social contract. That’s of the world. Marriage in the spirit is what we’re talking about, and that’s what’s important, because God works in the world of the spiritual. Sin is committed through physical acts usually, but the damage in spiritual. So it’s the souls of the people having sex we have to worry about, and whether they are connected through marriage.

Miz Pink, in some of her earliest posting around here, spent a couple days talking about divorce (Splitsville and Splitsville 2)—I highly recommend you read those first then come back.

OK. Done? Great.

Her “Splitsville 2” post is especially telling. And I agree with her 100% that she didn’t really have a marriage with her first “husband.” It doesn’t matter than they said some words and traded some rings. The reasons for the union were faulty and unsound. There was no foundation there and, frankly, no real commitment to try to build one and move their metaphorical house onto it. They were married according to the law, but really, they weren’t connected and, in my humble opinion, still committing fornication.

Now, to be honest, I am a big believer in getting up and saying some vows before people and before God. Why? Well, let me quote the theory of the “gold standard” here. In most professions, there are gold standards. For example, in the world of medical care, a certain diagonstic test, medicine, treatment plan or surgery may be the best for a certain problem. It is the gold standard because it gets the most positive impact for the most number of people most of the time.

But let’s remember the word most. Not all. Most.

We should aim for the gold standard of a church marriage where you bring God, family and friends together for the wedding.

But it would arrogant of me to say that it’s the only way or that it’s the right way for all people.

There are people who live together for years and function in every way as a married couple, but for whatever reason don’t want to be locked into the legalities or do things a certain way just to please the parents or the pastor or the meddling friends. Hell, this is typically what committed gay couples are forced to do.

Simply saying some vows before an altar doesn’t make it a true connection. People marry for lots of reasons: to be contrary, to be spiteful, because they’re confused, because they’re pregnant, because they’re infatuated, because they’re high as a kite or drunk as a skunk, and so on.

How many times in your life have you told someone you loved them, either because of an orgasm, sexual afterglow or just a romantic moment by candlelight or something? And then you realize—minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years or decades later—that not only don’t you love this person now, but you quite likely never did.

The capacity for humans to lie to themselves is tremendous.

Of course, so to is the capacity for self-serving justifications. A person could say, well, I’m married in my heart to this person so we should be having sex, and it’s not fornication at all. You could, and maybe you’re even right, but how often have you told yourself that same thing before, and how many times will you do it again?

OK, enough of that for now. I haven’t definitively answered what marriage is, and frankly there is no really clear and ironclad way to do it. Marriage is a connection of mind and spirit between two people. It is a sharing of yourself. It is, in fact, the giving up of a large portion of yourself to the other person (and that other person better be doing the same). It is commitment and rebirth, it is reward and sacrifice, it is freedom and surrender.

You might not have to wear a tux or a gown to make it happen, but be honest with yourself. Are you really married, whether you have a ring on your finger or not?

If you aren’t, sex with that other person is fornication.

(Next time, we’ll get more into why God might care and some of the other nitty-gritty of what is or isn’t fornication.)

Deacon Blue is the blogging persona of editor and writer Jeffrey Bouley. The opinions of Jeff himself on this blog, and those expressed as Deacon Blue, in NO WAY should be construed as the opinions of anyone with whom he has worked, currently works, or will work with in the future. They are personal opinions and views, and are sometimes, frankly, expressed in more outrageous terms than I truly feel most days.

Jeff Bouley


Jeff Bouley

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June 2022

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